I don't feel like rocking around the Christmas tree!

When the Holidays hurt… 

Ummm keep reading, even if you are the jolliest of the jolly!  :)

From Joy to the World, to Tis the season to be Jolly. This is the time of year represents such an amazing gift, and is beyond a doubt a time for celebration. When you get to see your family, (dysfunctional or not)! And why is it at your office party and there is free food, folks attack it like they haven’t eaten a good meal in days. You’d think they’d never seen a sugar cookie before. Even if it’s a potluck they pile their plate so high full of crap to make very sure that they get enough of the homemade goodies we brought probably with their cat walking on the table and without watching their hands to make sure they get enough before it runs out. I digress. Sorry I have some pretty horrible imprints on my mind of office parties. Anyway, case in point, it’s at least a solid month of lights and sparkles and songs and presents and bows and sometimes we have the pressure to walk around with a permanent smile glued to our face. Unless you don’t mind being an outright Scrooge! (But that is another blog, I don’t have time for outright Scrooges.)

Well, what if you don’t feel like celebrating? What if you don’t feel like Rockin’ around the Christmas tree?! I can remember in Christmases past, walking around smiling so hard my face hurt, caroling all around town, and spreading glitter everywhere! I just could not understand why some people hated the Holidays. How can someone be sad during Christmas? Why is that jerk hogging the bottle of wine and downing all the egg nog? ITS STOCKINGS FILLED WITH CANDY AND AWESOME STUFF YOU WANT WRAPPED UP UNDER A TREE! OR 8  DAYS IN A ROW OF GIFTS?!?! Umm, well, now I get it.

Since the point of the Holidays is to give, love and a huge part being with our family and loved ones…. What if they aren’t around?  It’s like this gaping whole that takes on a life of its own.  Whether a loved one who is associated with so many Christmas memories has either passed away or just isn’t around anymore, the simple truth is it hurts.  It hurts worse than it does any other time of the year.  I know what it feels like to not feel like celebrating.  Instead of stuffing my face full of yummy goodies and opening presents and spreading cheer… I know what it feels like to want to stay in my bed with the shades drawn watching ‘The Holiday’ and ‘Edward Scissorhands’ interchangeably.  Or my personal favorite, popping in a Shirley Temple movie and doing a shot of whiskey every time she breaks into song and dance. That’ll do it!

Well if that’s you, and you aren’t stoked about the Holidays or are dreading it it’s time to make a change and bring on the figgy pudding baby!!!  Now it’s not a sure fire shot but it is sure worth a try. :)

There are so many other people besides you that are hurting during the Holidays.  There are millions of people and I’m pretty sure some are right down the street that need some cheer too!  Nursing homes are the perfect place to visit.  There is always someone there who wants someone to talk to.  And believe me when I tell you the stories they have to share will most likely be hilarious.  Whether they intend for it to be or not.  It may sound cliché but go visit a homeless shelter.  If you haven’t, it will change your life forever.  Believe me!  You see those precious little faces that don’t even have a place to live…. No words can even describe it.  You don’t even have to take anything!  However if you do want to take something and you don’t have a lot of money to spend you can take cookies, a regift, or even something from the dollah store!  They will be so grateful. :)

Just remember there is always someone else who has it worse than you do.  Someone who is hurting far more.  So get your hiney out of the town of Sadville, Population 1 (that’s you) and go jingle yourself on down the street!  I promise you that the connections you make and just making one person smile will lift your spirits immensely.  It probably won’t be a total cure of your sadness, but believe me it will help!

I can attest to even recently not being excited about Christmas.  I had gotten out of a relationship.   Was bummed about friends I’d lost, and there are some family… um, issues going on! (LOL putting it mildly) and I actually felt sorry for myself.  I didn’t wanna put up the tree! Can you imagine?!?!!?!? Then I looked at my precious, gorgeous, beautiful, darling ANGEL of a babygirl, my amazing family, and the REAL friends that I have and I felt repulsed by my former thoughts.

Christmas, Hanukkah, ChristmasaKwanzaka are not only times to celebrate, but to continue to be thankful.  My precious Savior was born that day!  That sweet little baby Jesus didn’t even have a place to be born.  A nasty old barn, can you imagine! Poor Mary! :-/ Anyway, it may not have looked good then, but look what He accomplished for us.  So if you are hurting this season, it’s ok.  You aren’t the only one.  I promise you that it will get better.  But you have to want it to, and it’s not going to magically get better on it’s own.  So even though you don’t want to, you’re going to have yourself a MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS, I just know it! :)

  P.S.   Have you seen the episode of The Office where they go to the Asian Hooters aka Beniihana and Michael Scott brings back a couple of waitresses and marks one with a marker and gives her a bike that was supposed to go to Toys for Tots?!  LOLOLOL... Ok well you need to watch it, like ASAP.  It's complete awesomeness!  Oh, and you're welcome in advance!



The Friend Fallout.....

So, the blog is BACK!!!!  :)  I've been writing in many other domains since last year.. But have decided to bring the blog back.  To do so, here is an article I recently wrote on a 'different' kind of breakup!  :)  Miss you all so very much!  MUAH!

Oh, the pain of a broken heart. They don’t call it heart ‘wrenching’ for nothing. The definition of wrenching from Merriam-Webster is ‘to pull or twist suddenly or violently’. Yep that sounds like it. I think that can be what makes it so difficult. The ‘suddenly or violently’ part. When heartbreak occurs suddenly, or when you least expect it, I believe the pain is far worse.

I wouldn’t call it a very far stretch to say every one of us has had a broken heart. When thinking of having a broken heart multiple times in my life, the first thing that comes to mind is a relationship with a significant other. Which is obviously the most common. There are countless songs, books, poems, and movies about the broken heart syndrome. However, there is a breakup that hurts just as much… The Friend Fallout.

How they differ is vast but small, and the pain isn’t much different. There are countless articles on getting over an ex, but how do you get over the dreaded Friend Fallout. It isn’t easy, but I’ve found a few things that can get you on the road to either mending fences, or being back on the road to healing a broken heart from the FF.

After you breakup from an ex, (or are dumped) we often can sit in his sweatshirt and eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s while watching movies like ‘The Breakup’ and listening to the Keith Urban song “Tonight I wanna Cry” on repeat. These two accompanied by browsing his Facebook page incessantly and stalking every chick who comments, and tearing her to shreds with your friends. In the event of a FF, the very friend who you would call to do this with, is not going to be there. Who do you call to comfort you? You can’t call your other friends in the circle, that won’t do any good because they will just tell her how miserable you are. And you don‘t want her to know you are pining over your lost friendship… or do you?

There are various stages of a FF. They can range from, a small tiff that which your friendship can recover from, or the more serious, Forever Friend Fallout. Also known as the FFF. FFF’s hurt. They hurt about as bad as you would feel if the E! Channel and the Bravo network ceased to exist tomorrow and you never EVER got an update on all of the programming you’ve spent years keeping up with. That mixed with Sephora, High Heels, Pink, and Sophie Kinsella novels being outlawed. ;)

The main difference is this. When you have a FF, even one that you see being a possible FFF… you can fix it. Or at least try to. Women understand other women. We are stubborn, but more sensitive. The disagreements between friends can be about all sorts of things. Hopefully you, (or her) didn’t cross the line into fighting over a man territory. But even if you did, it can be fixed. Be quick to say sorry, and quick to forgive. My old pal Jesus said that one, so I can’t take credit. It all comes down to love regardless of what kind of breakup you have. If you are in the wrong, try to figure out how it happened. And explain this. Write a letter, send some flowers, but don’t let a tiff with a friend you love turn into a FFF. Because forever friends, are hard to find. :)



Chasing After Love

So It’s been over the weekend and through til Tuesday but I’m back!

I just got back from NYC where some friends and I went, and I’m finally all caught up on sleepies. Alright!

I’ll pick up where I left off, like I promised.  Except it’s a few days later. ;)

It seems like a lot of single moms can relate to what it feels like being looked at as being a big OOPS, instead of a big, ‘Wow this is amazing’.  I understand we all have our own convictions, and things that bother us, but it most definitely is not a good thing, when you end up pointing the finger or calling someone out for something you yourself just did two nights ago.  But that’s life folks, the people pointing are almost always the one who need pointed at.

I was never good at the love thing.  Especially when I started drinking a lot.   Not remembering half the things I said and did sure makes things even more complicated.  I had my first serious boyfriend when I was 20, I think that was the only time I suffered a real heartbreak.  When I see him now, I praise the good Lord I didn’t end up down that path. For more reasons than one, I’m just thankful that God helped me to dodge that scary bullet.   Anyhow, I dated a lot in my early twenties but that became a bit destructive when I reached the age of about 22.  I met someone who I let tear my self esteem down in more ways than I even knew could be torn down.   I was a weak, numb, and sad person.  I think all I wanted was someone to love me, or to pay attention to me.  I knew where I was supposed to look for that, but instead, I went with what was closest, and what seemed the most real to me at the time.

Heartbreak after heartbreak, (some were my choices, others weren’t) which leads me to where I was for the last year, Pittsburgh, PA.   Pittsburgh is a different kind of city.  I can’t say I have ever been anywhere like it. I’ve lived a lot of places and would consider myself a friendly person.  But for some reason here, I couldn’t make any friends. (If any Burgers are reading this, I’m not trying to offend you, but don’t know how else to say it without getting my story across.)  I didn’t do anything differently, but I guess I didn’t click with anyone, or they didn’t click with me.  I am here in this city, alone, living near my father for the first time in my life. And I’m finally seeing him for what he was.  It scared me to death.  My whole life I was warned about this man who was my dad, but I thought he had changed, or maybe I could somehow get him to love me.

When I was 7, the love of my life, my Paw Paw passed away.  He was the only male figure who I’d ever known or been close to.  I knew who my daddy was and always curious about what he was like and why he didn’t call, come see me, or ask about me.  I knew that my Paw Paw’s funeral I would get the chance to see my dad.  I can still remember every single thing like it was yesterday.  I combed my hair just right, and made sure my tights had no snags and my shoes were extra shiny. I was so sad about my Grandfather but thought if my dad thought I was pretty, or looked nice enough, he would love me and want to be in my life, or call me or maybe even write me a letter.

We were at the funeral home in Whitesville, and I waited in the corner behind a chair to get a look at him.  He was with his wife and they pretended to not look at me or my mom.  I heard my Maw Maw ask him if he would like to meet me now, and he just responded with, ‘No now’s not the time’. I thought maybe later he would want to see me, so I kept my eye on him the whole time.   I later went back behind that chair and heard him laughing and making jokes, and bragging about what a big shot he was in Chicago with friends he had went to high school with.   I was already crying so hard because my Grandfather that I loved so much was gone.  And now I thought my father didn’t want me, and never would.   Even at the age of 7, I could tell when someone really didn’t want me.   And that feeling stuck with me throughout my entire life.

Once I got to really see what he was like, I was devastated even further.  I met someone who I thought would make everything okay, got engaged with my dream Tiffany ring, and tried to pretend it was the answer. When that turned into a living hell I left…. And about 2 months later, I met Eden’s, ‘biological father’. When he and I met, I was probably the lowest I’d ever been.  I would cry myself to sleep every night, think of ways to end everything, and honestly it was just so dark.  I was not a sober person, not a strong person, and felt like God had totally abandoned me.  The bad memories of my past seemed to creep up on me every single night, and if I did fall asleep, it was there too.  The point is, it was the bottom. I can’t put into words how low I had sunk, I pray God let’s me someday, as I know I’m not the only one to have felt that way.  When I met him, he took my mind off of every situation, and even though the pain didn’t go away, there was someone there with me and I didn’t feel so alone. I couldn’t leave Pennsylvania yet (my job and classes were there) and feeling stuck doesn’t describe it. 3 months of the relationship had crept up and I found out I was pregnant.  He and I never even so much as kissed again after the day I found out. I was starting to feel hopeful again, and wasn’t the sad depressed zombie I’d been anymore.  He didn’t like that. I guess I wasn’t as easy to control when I began to get my strength back.  The relationship became beyond horrible and scary, to the point that I don’t even like to talk about the details.  I said I was leaving, and he let me know that as long as I didn’t want to be with him there in Pennsylvania, he didn’t want anything to do with us.


My mommy came and we packed up everything we could fit into both of our cars. I even left all of my furniture in the house I was renting.  I was so scared, disgusted, and hurt to have to ever go back there. When I look back now I see that God brought me through all of that, and he gave me little Eden and saved my life.  I can never look at life, pain, or circumstance the same way again.  When I wake up in the morning I not only feel renewed by His grace, strength, and joy, but I can’t wait to see that precious baby girl’s smile. I would go through a million more dark days just to see that.


Although I’m not where I’d like to be, God has brought me a million miles from the dark times in my life. That doesn’t mean there won’t be more, but it does mean that I’ve seen the bottom, and made it out alive.  I couldn’t be more blessed.  :)  I have amazing friends and family who have truly helped me to get through all of this.  I’m sorry I didn’t turn to you, and even more sorry that I didn’t turn to the Lord, earlier in my messes.  But hey guys, it’s never too late to turn it around. I promise. I went chasing after a love my whole life.  It was there the whole time, and I've found it again in my Heavenly Father, and a lil girl named Eden.

This was a weird blog entry, but again, I just go w/ my heart and share what I feel. Hope it can help somebody somewhere.

Love you all.
Rachy
















Rachybug

Feeling Silenced.

I’ve been quiet for awhile.  And it’s not because I don’t have anything to say.  I actually have more to say now than I ever have in my entire life.  But shame and opinions have tried to silence me.  It's just time I realized I'm not going to let them.


Being a completely sober person has helped me to remember things God placed into my spirit so long ago, and also to help me to see the new things He is showing me.  So much has changed, and I’m so thankful. This doesn’t however make life easier, or the mistakes I’ve made in the past easier to deal with. As of today I am nearing my 6 month of pregnancy.  A lot of people say their, ‘Congratulations’ with a huge smile on their face, with a real sense of excitement that I can see behind their eyes.  Some people say it begrudgingly, because they feel they have to.  Others say nothing at all, then there are the select few that are completely honest and say, ‘Um, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to say congratulations to you, or I’m sorry.’ I actually had a lady say that to me.  There have only been a few people who let me know they were disappointed in me, and to that all I can say, is I’m always sorry to have disappointed anyone.  But my Gran told me when I was around 9, ‘No matter what you do in life, you can’t make everyone happy’.  I’m glad I grew up knowing that. Otherwise I would have tried to win everyone’s approval.  ( That’s why I love Ephesians 6:6 so very much. Not with eyeservice as men pleasers, but as servants of God, doing the will of God from the heart.)

Ever since I found out I was pregnant with Eden, (If you aren’t sure who Eden is, that is the beautiful lil girl I am carrying around in my belly.)  I’ve realized that no matter what year it is, no matter how many people say they are non-judgemental, and no matter if I’m talking to a bar owner or a Pastor, when they find out that I’m not married and pregnant, that becomes what defines me.  It feels so amazing when I talk to someone who still sees me as a person, and not just an unwed mother to be. Meeting and having friends who have been through the same thing, and those who see past my mistakes are one of the main reasons I get through each day.  Thank you. :)  There are no other words I can say, but thanks.  I love you so much.


Now is the tough part.  All of the questions, whispers, and things people are afraid to ask.  Who is the baby daddy?  Are you still together?  How could you let this happen?  How are you going to take care of a child? I know I know, I don’t have to answer anything.  The only person I have to answer to is God.  Oh, and Eden of course.  I want her to know everything.  But instead of being secretive, or being embarrassed, I want to share.  I like to share every single mistake, hardship, and victory that I have, so that it may be able to help the next person.   My mistakes aren’t good for much else! As I’m watching my belly move from her lil kicks, the tears start to flow!!!  She’s so charming already! :)

Writing more tomorrow… PROMISE. I’m about to fall asleep as I’m typing… XOXO

Rach

He's just that into me. :)

So lots has happened since my last Glitter Love Truth.com post! I have a new job, my car broke down on the side of a speedy interstate on the way to my 10 year high school reunion leaving me stranded and unable to attend, and Lady Gaga is officially batpoop crazy.


For those of you that didn’t get a chance to listen, you can check out my interview with Courtnee Scott @ Handmaiden Live here http://www.handmaidenlive.com/2010/09/20/after-the-show-92010-rae-canterberry/  or here http://www.blogtalkradio.com/handmaidenlive/2010/09/20/rachel-canterberry-interview . Courtnee is SO beautiful, obvi, but not only that, but girlfriend is also shakin’ things up in the Kingdom of God and beyond with her blog and radio show, where so many truths others won't share, are shared.  Making it obvious why her show is transparent, true, taboo. :) You can connect to her many ways, but you can start by going to http://www.handmaidenlive.com/ to check out what Courtnee has got goin’ on.

Lately the transition I have been experiencing has been blowin’ my mind. Not only has God given me the courage and strength to learn to let go of what other people think, but He has also helped me to begin living a transparent life and letting my past be a testimony instead of being ashamed of it.

The hurt that we experience in life, can many times transfer over into our actions, or can become strongholds in our mind. I’m so thankful that God has turned my mourning into dancing, and that I have a hope. As do you! Granted, life is not always lollipops and daises, but it is a darn good feeling to have someone to run to when I don’t know what to do. If I’m hurting, embarrassed, lonely, or depressed, He’s there. If I’m excited, joyful, giddy, or encouraged, He’s there. He’s not gonna breakup with me, or decide to not call me back b/c He’s just not that into me. ;)  He IS just that into me.  And He's just that into you all the same.  You have no idea how crazy He is about you.  Maybe you do, and if so, get it honey... Because it’s an amazing love, and discovering it all over again, in an entirely new way is more than I can explain.

I’m finishing up something tonight that the Lord has been showing me about where we place our joy… Can’t wait to finishing posting it for all of you to read. I will be giving GLT much more attention over the coming weeks, as there is so much the Lord is laying on my heart to share with all of you.

Love you MUCH!

Rach

p.s. Um, Dancing with the Stars anyone?? The Hoff, The Situation, I mean how could you miss it? Also, SPARKLES everywhere!!!! I just want to see David Hasselhoff eat a cheeseburger while laying on the floor shirtless. I think I will youtube that again right now just because. LOL… Thanks Hoff.

GETTING YOUR HEART BACK, AFTER YOU FEEL IT'S BEEN TAKEN....

From learning to ‘ Guard My Heart’ to learning tricks to still feel pretty and normal while 5 months pregnant, it has been a crazy few months getting back into the swing of things. It has been years since I have felt so at peace, and such pure happiness that I know is nothing but the unconditional love from God. My mommy, friends, and a few family members have also shown me what the meaning of that unconditional love is. I know that our family are supposed to be the ones that are there through thick and thin. And no matter what, they should be the ones who won’t leave you and always welcome you back with open arms. If you are blessed enough to have family in your life, ones that won’t judge you, and welcome you with open arms just like the Prodigal, you are one blessed cat. Let me tell ya. :)



So last night I was watching the movie Taken, with Liam Neeson, I know, I know it’s like 2 years old but I’m not always the first one to see a new movie. Obvi. So, I will admit it was a gripping, and amazing movie, but I kept thinking how much I wish he were my dad. If you haven’t seen the movie, look it up on IMDB, or Wikipedia because I don’t want be a spoiler and I can be terrible at explaining a premise of a movie without giving it away. Let’s just say this man went through hell, highwater, and the worst things you can imagine just to rescue his little girl. That is something that I always longed for, to have someone rescue me, protect me, or punish someone who had broken my heart or hurt me in some way.


I am at a place now, where sharing everything I have, and being transparent is extremely important to me, so I feel that I can share things I never really felt comfortable with before.  But never having my father around, for the first 18 years of my life (and I don’t even want to get into what kind of heartbreak he has brought into my life even after) left a longing for something that I couldn’t pinpoint, but just felt I couldn’t find. When I was stuck all the way in New York City, by now everyone knows where, with no idea of who to call. My sweet as apple pie mother, but can turn into Mama bear when protecting her lil cub… (that would be me) hates driving on the interstate in Columbus, Ohio much less driving through the streets of Manhattan and Queens, drove 10 hours just to come rescue me, with every penny she had to her name. The Lord has placed people around me my entire life, my mommy, my Aunt Susie, my Maw Maw, Gran, and many others, who He knew would take care of me. But instead of recognizing them for what they were, I kept searching. All the while giving my heart away to just about anyone who would let me. If I only knew then….

Of course the first time I felt the presence of the Lord so strongly, I was in my room, at the age of 13 praying and heard His voice saying, ‘You ARE My child, and I AM your Father.’. I will never forget that as long as I live. It was the first time I had ever felt, or heard that voice before. And unfortunately I can’t explain it or even come close to putting it into words.


Even so, after the Lord had spoken to me through scripture, Pastors, teachings, you name it, I still kept searching for some sort of physical, emotional, or whatever kind of love I could find from a male figure. And… I never found it. It’s now, at the age of 28 years old, expecting a lil miracle of my own, that I realize that love was there all along. He is continuing to heal all the hurts, make the scars disappear, and I’m living proof that all of the miracles we see on the outside, are just as real and just as powerful as the ones when our brokenhearts are mended.

Guarding that heart.....

Whoa! It has been quite a while since I have been back on the blog wagon but life is finally starting to settle into place for me here, and I’m ready to open up about more than I have before. Some people may ask why someone would want to share their life and innermost thoughts with the blogosphere, but if I could help just ONE person from making the mistakes I’ve had, or push someone a tad bit in the right direction, I’m all about it.


Being single, expecting a beautiful baby girl, and starting over is most definitely not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life. I look back at previous years and see myself in a different world, pretty much an entirely different universe. Sometimes when we hit rock bottom, the only place to look is up. There are a million different ways to say this, we can put it so many different little quotes we hear here and there, but when you are at rock bottom, none of that matters. All that we feel is that hurt, pain, heartbreak… and you know what I think hurts even worse?? When the word AGAIN follow those other feelings.

As I begin to catch up on many things that have been going on, God has laid it on my heart to talk more about it. More about deeper feelings, real things that I know other people are dealing with, and it’s also therapeutic to me to have all of you to see. Weird? Yeah, but hey. I’m a weirdo. ;)

Never let vulnerability, while often humiliating, let you feel weak. Sometimes in life, actually a lotta times, it is entirely necessary. Would love matter as much, without the risk of possible pain? Makes me wonder.

I’m going to be writing all night. I’m studying a lot about the verse I have tattooed on my right arm Proverbs 4:23 – And above all else, GUARD YOUR HEART, for it is the wellspring of life.

I think so much of where I am today, is because I haven’t done so. I’m ready to learn to do it with the help of He, that helps me get through each day.



LOVE YOU. So very much. :)



XO,

Rachy


P.s.

(that are NEVER related to my posts, btw)

UMMMM Not can I just say that the LUSH moisturizer ‘Vanishing Cream’ is a total Godsend that I’m currently obsessed with. It pretty much rules. If you want everyone to say, OMGOSH you are glowing, (not just cause I’m preggo) go buy a lil thing of it. It’s amazing. :)