Chasing After Love

So It’s been over the weekend and through til Tuesday but I’m back!

I just got back from NYC where some friends and I went, and I’m finally all caught up on sleepies. Alright!

I’ll pick up where I left off, like I promised.  Except it’s a few days later. ;)

It seems like a lot of single moms can relate to what it feels like being looked at as being a big OOPS, instead of a big, ‘Wow this is amazing’.  I understand we all have our own convictions, and things that bother us, but it most definitely is not a good thing, when you end up pointing the finger or calling someone out for something you yourself just did two nights ago.  But that’s life folks, the people pointing are almost always the one who need pointed at.

I was never good at the love thing.  Especially when I started drinking a lot.   Not remembering half the things I said and did sure makes things even more complicated.  I had my first serious boyfriend when I was 20, I think that was the only time I suffered a real heartbreak.  When I see him now, I praise the good Lord I didn’t end up down that path. For more reasons than one, I’m just thankful that God helped me to dodge that scary bullet.   Anyhow, I dated a lot in my early twenties but that became a bit destructive when I reached the age of about 22.  I met someone who I let tear my self esteem down in more ways than I even knew could be torn down.   I was a weak, numb, and sad person.  I think all I wanted was someone to love me, or to pay attention to me.  I knew where I was supposed to look for that, but instead, I went with what was closest, and what seemed the most real to me at the time.

Heartbreak after heartbreak, (some were my choices, others weren’t) which leads me to where I was for the last year, Pittsburgh, PA.   Pittsburgh is a different kind of city.  I can’t say I have ever been anywhere like it. I’ve lived a lot of places and would consider myself a friendly person.  But for some reason here, I couldn’t make any friends. (If any Burgers are reading this, I’m not trying to offend you, but don’t know how else to say it without getting my story across.)  I didn’t do anything differently, but I guess I didn’t click with anyone, or they didn’t click with me.  I am here in this city, alone, living near my father for the first time in my life. And I’m finally seeing him for what he was.  It scared me to death.  My whole life I was warned about this man who was my dad, but I thought he had changed, or maybe I could somehow get him to love me.

When I was 7, the love of my life, my Paw Paw passed away.  He was the only male figure who I’d ever known or been close to.  I knew who my daddy was and always curious about what he was like and why he didn’t call, come see me, or ask about me.  I knew that my Paw Paw’s funeral I would get the chance to see my dad.  I can still remember every single thing like it was yesterday.  I combed my hair just right, and made sure my tights had no snags and my shoes were extra shiny. I was so sad about my Grandfather but thought if my dad thought I was pretty, or looked nice enough, he would love me and want to be in my life, or call me or maybe even write me a letter.

We were at the funeral home in Whitesville, and I waited in the corner behind a chair to get a look at him.  He was with his wife and they pretended to not look at me or my mom.  I heard my Maw Maw ask him if he would like to meet me now, and he just responded with, ‘No now’s not the time’. I thought maybe later he would want to see me, so I kept my eye on him the whole time.   I later went back behind that chair and heard him laughing and making jokes, and bragging about what a big shot he was in Chicago with friends he had went to high school with.   I was already crying so hard because my Grandfather that I loved so much was gone.  And now I thought my father didn’t want me, and never would.   Even at the age of 7, I could tell when someone really didn’t want me.   And that feeling stuck with me throughout my entire life.

Once I got to really see what he was like, I was devastated even further.  I met someone who I thought would make everything okay, got engaged with my dream Tiffany ring, and tried to pretend it was the answer. When that turned into a living hell I left…. And about 2 months later, I met Eden’s, ‘biological father’. When he and I met, I was probably the lowest I’d ever been.  I would cry myself to sleep every night, think of ways to end everything, and honestly it was just so dark.  I was not a sober person, not a strong person, and felt like God had totally abandoned me.  The bad memories of my past seemed to creep up on me every single night, and if I did fall asleep, it was there too.  The point is, it was the bottom. I can’t put into words how low I had sunk, I pray God let’s me someday, as I know I’m not the only one to have felt that way.  When I met him, he took my mind off of every situation, and even though the pain didn’t go away, there was someone there with me and I didn’t feel so alone. I couldn’t leave Pennsylvania yet (my job and classes were there) and feeling stuck doesn’t describe it. 3 months of the relationship had crept up and I found out I was pregnant.  He and I never even so much as kissed again after the day I found out. I was starting to feel hopeful again, and wasn’t the sad depressed zombie I’d been anymore.  He didn’t like that. I guess I wasn’t as easy to control when I began to get my strength back.  The relationship became beyond horrible and scary, to the point that I don’t even like to talk about the details.  I said I was leaving, and he let me know that as long as I didn’t want to be with him there in Pennsylvania, he didn’t want anything to do with us.


My mommy came and we packed up everything we could fit into both of our cars. I even left all of my furniture in the house I was renting.  I was so scared, disgusted, and hurt to have to ever go back there. When I look back now I see that God brought me through all of that, and he gave me little Eden and saved my life.  I can never look at life, pain, or circumstance the same way again.  When I wake up in the morning I not only feel renewed by His grace, strength, and joy, but I can’t wait to see that precious baby girl’s smile. I would go through a million more dark days just to see that.


Although I’m not where I’d like to be, God has brought me a million miles from the dark times in my life. That doesn’t mean there won’t be more, but it does mean that I’ve seen the bottom, and made it out alive.  I couldn’t be more blessed.  :)  I have amazing friends and family who have truly helped me to get through all of this.  I’m sorry I didn’t turn to you, and even more sorry that I didn’t turn to the Lord, earlier in my messes.  But hey guys, it’s never too late to turn it around. I promise. I went chasing after a love my whole life.  It was there the whole time, and I've found it again in my Heavenly Father, and a lil girl named Eden.

This was a weird blog entry, but again, I just go w/ my heart and share what I feel. Hope it can help somebody somewhere.

Love you all.
Rachy
















Rachybug

Feeling Silenced.

I’ve been quiet for awhile.  And it’s not because I don’t have anything to say.  I actually have more to say now than I ever have in my entire life.  But shame and opinions have tried to silence me.  It's just time I realized I'm not going to let them.


Being a completely sober person has helped me to remember things God placed into my spirit so long ago, and also to help me to see the new things He is showing me.  So much has changed, and I’m so thankful. This doesn’t however make life easier, or the mistakes I’ve made in the past easier to deal with. As of today I am nearing my 6 month of pregnancy.  A lot of people say their, ‘Congratulations’ with a huge smile on their face, with a real sense of excitement that I can see behind their eyes.  Some people say it begrudgingly, because they feel they have to.  Others say nothing at all, then there are the select few that are completely honest and say, ‘Um, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to say congratulations to you, or I’m sorry.’ I actually had a lady say that to me.  There have only been a few people who let me know they were disappointed in me, and to that all I can say, is I’m always sorry to have disappointed anyone.  But my Gran told me when I was around 9, ‘No matter what you do in life, you can’t make everyone happy’.  I’m glad I grew up knowing that. Otherwise I would have tried to win everyone’s approval.  ( That’s why I love Ephesians 6:6 so very much. Not with eyeservice as men pleasers, but as servants of God, doing the will of God from the heart.)

Ever since I found out I was pregnant with Eden, (If you aren’t sure who Eden is, that is the beautiful lil girl I am carrying around in my belly.)  I’ve realized that no matter what year it is, no matter how many people say they are non-judgemental, and no matter if I’m talking to a bar owner or a Pastor, when they find out that I’m not married and pregnant, that becomes what defines me.  It feels so amazing when I talk to someone who still sees me as a person, and not just an unwed mother to be. Meeting and having friends who have been through the same thing, and those who see past my mistakes are one of the main reasons I get through each day.  Thank you. :)  There are no other words I can say, but thanks.  I love you so much.


Now is the tough part.  All of the questions, whispers, and things people are afraid to ask.  Who is the baby daddy?  Are you still together?  How could you let this happen?  How are you going to take care of a child? I know I know, I don’t have to answer anything.  The only person I have to answer to is God.  Oh, and Eden of course.  I want her to know everything.  But instead of being secretive, or being embarrassed, I want to share.  I like to share every single mistake, hardship, and victory that I have, so that it may be able to help the next person.   My mistakes aren’t good for much else! As I’m watching my belly move from her lil kicks, the tears start to flow!!!  She’s so charming already! :)

Writing more tomorrow… PROMISE. I’m about to fall asleep as I’m typing… XOXO

Rach

He's just that into me. :)

So lots has happened since my last Glitter Love Truth.com post! I have a new job, my car broke down on the side of a speedy interstate on the way to my 10 year high school reunion leaving me stranded and unable to attend, and Lady Gaga is officially batpoop crazy.


For those of you that didn’t get a chance to listen, you can check out my interview with Courtnee Scott @ Handmaiden Live here http://www.handmaidenlive.com/2010/09/20/after-the-show-92010-rae-canterberry/  or here http://www.blogtalkradio.com/handmaidenlive/2010/09/20/rachel-canterberry-interview . Courtnee is SO beautiful, obvi, but not only that, but girlfriend is also shakin’ things up in the Kingdom of God and beyond with her blog and radio show, where so many truths others won't share, are shared.  Making it obvious why her show is transparent, true, taboo. :) You can connect to her many ways, but you can start by going to http://www.handmaidenlive.com/ to check out what Courtnee has got goin’ on.

Lately the transition I have been experiencing has been blowin’ my mind. Not only has God given me the courage and strength to learn to let go of what other people think, but He has also helped me to begin living a transparent life and letting my past be a testimony instead of being ashamed of it.

The hurt that we experience in life, can many times transfer over into our actions, or can become strongholds in our mind. I’m so thankful that God has turned my mourning into dancing, and that I have a hope. As do you! Granted, life is not always lollipops and daises, but it is a darn good feeling to have someone to run to when I don’t know what to do. If I’m hurting, embarrassed, lonely, or depressed, He’s there. If I’m excited, joyful, giddy, or encouraged, He’s there. He’s not gonna breakup with me, or decide to not call me back b/c He’s just not that into me. ;)  He IS just that into me.  And He's just that into you all the same.  You have no idea how crazy He is about you.  Maybe you do, and if so, get it honey... Because it’s an amazing love, and discovering it all over again, in an entirely new way is more than I can explain.

I’m finishing up something tonight that the Lord has been showing me about where we place our joy… Can’t wait to finishing posting it for all of you to read. I will be giving GLT much more attention over the coming weeks, as there is so much the Lord is laying on my heart to share with all of you.

Love you MUCH!

Rach

p.s. Um, Dancing with the Stars anyone?? The Hoff, The Situation, I mean how could you miss it? Also, SPARKLES everywhere!!!! I just want to see David Hasselhoff eat a cheeseburger while laying on the floor shirtless. I think I will youtube that again right now just because. LOL… Thanks Hoff.

GETTING YOUR HEART BACK, AFTER YOU FEEL IT'S BEEN TAKEN....

From learning to ‘ Guard My Heart’ to learning tricks to still feel pretty and normal while 5 months pregnant, it has been a crazy few months getting back into the swing of things. It has been years since I have felt so at peace, and such pure happiness that I know is nothing but the unconditional love from God. My mommy, friends, and a few family members have also shown me what the meaning of that unconditional love is. I know that our family are supposed to be the ones that are there through thick and thin. And no matter what, they should be the ones who won’t leave you and always welcome you back with open arms. If you are blessed enough to have family in your life, ones that won’t judge you, and welcome you with open arms just like the Prodigal, you are one blessed cat. Let me tell ya. :)



So last night I was watching the movie Taken, with Liam Neeson, I know, I know it’s like 2 years old but I’m not always the first one to see a new movie. Obvi. So, I will admit it was a gripping, and amazing movie, but I kept thinking how much I wish he were my dad. If you haven’t seen the movie, look it up on IMDB, or Wikipedia because I don’t want be a spoiler and I can be terrible at explaining a premise of a movie without giving it away. Let’s just say this man went through hell, highwater, and the worst things you can imagine just to rescue his little girl. That is something that I always longed for, to have someone rescue me, protect me, or punish someone who had broken my heart or hurt me in some way.


I am at a place now, where sharing everything I have, and being transparent is extremely important to me, so I feel that I can share things I never really felt comfortable with before.  But never having my father around, for the first 18 years of my life (and I don’t even want to get into what kind of heartbreak he has brought into my life even after) left a longing for something that I couldn’t pinpoint, but just felt I couldn’t find. When I was stuck all the way in New York City, by now everyone knows where, with no idea of who to call. My sweet as apple pie mother, but can turn into Mama bear when protecting her lil cub… (that would be me) hates driving on the interstate in Columbus, Ohio much less driving through the streets of Manhattan and Queens, drove 10 hours just to come rescue me, with every penny she had to her name. The Lord has placed people around me my entire life, my mommy, my Aunt Susie, my Maw Maw, Gran, and many others, who He knew would take care of me. But instead of recognizing them for what they were, I kept searching. All the while giving my heart away to just about anyone who would let me. If I only knew then….

Of course the first time I felt the presence of the Lord so strongly, I was in my room, at the age of 13 praying and heard His voice saying, ‘You ARE My child, and I AM your Father.’. I will never forget that as long as I live. It was the first time I had ever felt, or heard that voice before. And unfortunately I can’t explain it or even come close to putting it into words.


Even so, after the Lord had spoken to me through scripture, Pastors, teachings, you name it, I still kept searching for some sort of physical, emotional, or whatever kind of love I could find from a male figure. And… I never found it. It’s now, at the age of 28 years old, expecting a lil miracle of my own, that I realize that love was there all along. He is continuing to heal all the hurts, make the scars disappear, and I’m living proof that all of the miracles we see on the outside, are just as real and just as powerful as the ones when our brokenhearts are mended.

Guarding that heart.....

Whoa! It has been quite a while since I have been back on the blog wagon but life is finally starting to settle into place for me here, and I’m ready to open up about more than I have before. Some people may ask why someone would want to share their life and innermost thoughts with the blogosphere, but if I could help just ONE person from making the mistakes I’ve had, or push someone a tad bit in the right direction, I’m all about it.


Being single, expecting a beautiful baby girl, and starting over is most definitely not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life. I look back at previous years and see myself in a different world, pretty much an entirely different universe. Sometimes when we hit rock bottom, the only place to look is up. There are a million different ways to say this, we can put it so many different little quotes we hear here and there, but when you are at rock bottom, none of that matters. All that we feel is that hurt, pain, heartbreak… and you know what I think hurts even worse?? When the word AGAIN follow those other feelings.

As I begin to catch up on many things that have been going on, God has laid it on my heart to talk more about it. More about deeper feelings, real things that I know other people are dealing with, and it’s also therapeutic to me to have all of you to see. Weird? Yeah, but hey. I’m a weirdo. ;)

Never let vulnerability, while often humiliating, let you feel weak. Sometimes in life, actually a lotta times, it is entirely necessary. Would love matter as much, without the risk of possible pain? Makes me wonder.

I’m going to be writing all night. I’m studying a lot about the verse I have tattooed on my right arm Proverbs 4:23 – And above all else, GUARD YOUR HEART, for it is the wellspring of life.

I think so much of where I am today, is because I haven’t done so. I’m ready to learn to do it with the help of He, that helps me get through each day.



LOVE YOU. So very much. :)



XO,

Rachy


P.s.

(that are NEVER related to my posts, btw)

UMMMM Not can I just say that the LUSH moisturizer ‘Vanishing Cream’ is a total Godsend that I’m currently obsessed with. It pretty much rules. If you want everyone to say, OMGOSH you are glowing, (not just cause I’m preggo) go buy a lil thing of it. It’s amazing. :)

A Practice Baby?!!?

Someone at work yesterday asked me how much experience that I had solely caring for a baby. The last time I had any experience with a real, live, crying baby was um, well… Never. The closest I came will go all the way back to 10th grade baby experiment that took place in our Parenting class.



How the parenting class ended up on my schedule is a bit hard for me to remember. I have to come to the conclusion that it was either a bunch of my friends were taking it, or I signed up for the elective to avoid another one in which I either had to add, subtract, or dissect something. Anyway, I still remember sitting in Mrs. Laraba’s classroom when the magical, crying babies were passed out to each of us, along with the key to make them stop crying. I believe they were called, “Baby Think it Over” dolls. Yes, Liberty High School in Glen Daniel, West Virginia had this wonderful technology. And this was back in 1999 folks!


The point of the project, was to learn what it was like to be a real live parent, with a real live crying baby. The baby would cry at different intervals of the day, and night, and to pacify this baby, you would insert a magic key into the baby’s back, and you would have to hold it until the baby made no more noise and , ‘fell back asleep’. The baby supposedly had sensors inside that would tell our teacher how many times we fed it with the miraculous key, or just ignored it and let it scream all night. It also would report any signs of abuse such as throwing it against a wall, pinching it, or anything like that. This would obviously grant you an automatic F = FAIL on the project which would bring down your entire grade since it counted for something like 30% of the final grade in the class.


When it was my turn to take care of “Baby Gumby” for the week, (that’s what I named him b/c his feet were sort of block shaped and flat like Gumby’s…. plus I really love Gumby, and Pokey!) everything started off so sweet and loving. I found myself being even being affectionate to Baby Gumby! Baby Gumby made no noise until he was hungry, and as his screaming would start, I just placed the key in his back and he stopped immediately. WOW. That was easy. I was gonna cover Baby Gumby in kisses for making this 100% A PLUS that I was going to receive so easy! The lil coos and ahhs he made as he was being fed with the key were so freakin’ adorable!!! Until he decided to start waking me up in the middle of the night. Oh Baby Gumby became SO not cute anymore. After waking at 11, 1, then 3 all in the same night on Tuesday, I was dreading what Wednesday was going to be like. Wednesday came around, and not only was I SO sleepy, but Baby Gumby was NOT sleepy. Oy vey.

Anyway, that night, when the cries started to erupt from this lil plastic doll, I inserted the key and it broke. Yes, the key broke into Baby Gumby’s back and now the cries seemed to get louder. And as I laid there for another hour of the crying, and realized that my mom and step-dad were probably about 2.5 seconds from throwing the baby threw the window, I took him outside, wrapped him up in some blankets and placed him in my car. While I didn’t get an automatic fail, I still passed the class! I still hold a special place for Baby Gumby in my heart.

These days the technology of these pretend babies are INSANE. The kids now wear bracelets with censors built in, and when the baby cries, they can actually burp them, feed them, change a diaper, etc. and when the censor moves over the area that the baby was crying about, he stops crying! Then there is a more specific printout the instructor can give the student to show how many feedings, naptimes, etc. that they missed. Sounds much better than a broken key!


Moral of this story…. I’ve got a lot to learn. ;)






P.s. FACEBOOK FRIENDS


I haven’t written back to you and I’m SO sorry. I don’t get on much and when I do, it’s through my cell phone, so I can’t write back the long responses I want to. So just email me at glitterbabyrae@gmail.com and I will be sure to receive your message and can write you back right away!


A lot of people have been asking me why I am having a child and am not married. I’m as sweet as it gets, and love everyone SO much but I have to say that was what ran me away from the church the first time. There are people having sex, doing drugs, and a whole lot worse going on, and for me to be a 28 year old woman who has been through hell and back, having just got my life back together and am SO in love with my Lord, I did mess up. But, what really happened, and why isn’t really anyone’s bid-ness. Except my close friends and family. So let’s just leave it at that. All I care about is that I am gonna have this baby and love on it constantly. It’s a blessing. And with that said… If you have any other questions, please don’t hesitate to let me know. You wouldn’t believe some of the things people say! Unreal. :-/


But I wanna leave this on a happy note….. It’s FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!! I think I may drive down to WV so everybody get ready for some Canterberry to come in to town!!!! It may get a little crazy.


:) Nah, not anymore. ;)

Byebye to Justin Bobby's Hair, and To Bein' a Mean Girl

So I’m already dreading saying goodbye to Audrina, Kristin, Lo, and Stephanie tonight on The Hills. As cheesfully scripted it was, I still was a bit addicted and will miss guessing who would swap spit next week. Aww. Too bad. So sad, BUT it looks like there will be show about Audrina, and also if those rumours are true, Heidi and Jen Bunny will have their own show. I’ll pass on that one… right… WHO AM I KIDDING???



It’s been a bit of a crazy life lately. My emotions are going crazy, and I can’t pin it just on any one thing. I have to do what is right for me, my lil baby (which I get to find out the sex of in just a few weeks), and our future.  More to come on all of that stuff!!!  


Nonetheless all of it has got me thinking.  And over the past few years, I’ve held so much in, and had a façade that I was super happy, when in reality I was dying inside. So many of my friends and family that are close, know the struggles that I have held inside and tried to deal with on my own. Other people probably just think I’m crazy, and many couldn't care less. It makes me start to think of how I treat other people that I begin to judge quickly, let get on my nerves, or simply just brush them off as a ________ "fill in the blank". It makes me sick to know that people did and continue to do that to me without even knowing what has been done to me and how many times I’ve been hurt and whoa whoa whoa wait a minute. I do the exact same thing to people, that was driving me straight to a living hell. And probably if I had kept going a very ‘literal’ hell. Thank you Jesus. Seriously. THANK YOU. I will never, ever, ever look at a single person again and think, dang, that girl is a serious biatch without wondering why. It DOES however bother me when the 'religious' come out in people that wanna sound all spiritual and important.  

It happened to me in my weekly Women's Bible Study Group a lady made sure that when dealing with people we had a problem with we should, ‘SEE THEM WITH GODS EYES’ OK. That would’ve been great if you were looking at me with His eyes lady. But ever since I came to this Bible study you are staring at me, whispering, contradicting every idea or comment that comes out of my mouth. Could YOU please see me with his eyes? PLEASE? I left that church group the very next day and never went back.  Call me sensitive, call me crazy, tell me to toughen up. But NOONE knows what the person next to you is dealing, has dealt with, or what they are going through. We haven't the slightest idea how bad someone could possibly hurting.

I'm sure she probably didn’t like the fact that I had tattoos and 4 inch funky heels and crazy hair and had a different type of personality, but some of the things she did and said towards me went too far. And at a Women’s Bible Study no less? Had she followed her own directions and ‘SAW ME WITH GODS EYES’ she would’ve seen a girl on her last leg, with one last hope in the world. Someone who begs to be lifted off of the floor for forgiveness and someone who DOESN’T think they are special. All I wanted was to feel the love of Jesus that night. I felt like I had been asked to leave.  I had felt lonlier than ever. 


OK, I’m getting all teary eyed even remembering all that. And didn’t even plan on writing that on here. But it just came out somehow. ;) Anyhow, just in case you decide to throw a little, hair toss smirky-nasty on someone.... If someone is being a total jerkface to you, or even just getting on your nerves for no reason, there probably is a reason behind what it is about them that you don’t like. For me, doing this is a process. I have to keep reminding myself that I haven't walked in their shoes, nor do I know what kind of mess they woke up to this morning. And it’s tough. But life isn’t fun when you can’t stand people anyway. So it feels better to know that they probably have either been through something a whole lotta crappy, or maybe they are feeling something from you that they don’t understand or like. Which if that is the case, (In the words of Willy Wonka) they need strike that flip it and reverse it.  :)


OK wow, wasn’t expecting to write all of that. I love ya’ll….. Have fun watching The Hills tonight!!! Don’t forget there is a reunion show too! WOOHOO… Ok, I need to calm down I am WAYYYY more into Real Housewives these days but come on a Series Finale?? I have to get excited.


XO,
Rach


p.s.
Spencer Pratt,


I’m sorry to hear you don’t have a place to live now. ( http://www.popeater.com/2010/07/12/spencer-pratt-homeless-no-place-to-live/ ) I think you should go spend the night with that family whose kid you were so nice to. Yeah, lil Enzo. They will let you stay there! I would offer you my couch but your flesh colored beard could possibly scare or offend my dog and cat. Good Luck Buddy!