Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I'm obviously not 'Religious' but I have this thing called an AMAZING “Relationship"

Waking up feeling defeated isn’t something that can easily go away. Sometimes it’s literally a fight, and I mean a knock down drag out fight, to face the day. I had one of those mornings yesterday. I am quite certain that I am not the only one to have experienced this. The enemy is always going to try to drudge up the past, and try to bring it to the forefront of our mind. As well as put fear into our hearts and minds, sometimes that does not even exist. At these times it’s our turn to quote the scripture that our Jesus did. Just as Satan tempted Jesus in the wilderness, he is going to tempt us to forget the wonderful, perfect, and most beautiful sacrifice that has ever been given. When Jesus died for our sins, all that was paid for. So when we begin to dwell on our past, and our past failures, we are denying that gift that Jesus gave for us on the cross that day. When we wallow around in the hurt our own sin has caused us and caused others, we are again; acting is if that gift didn’t matter.

Do you remember when you were little and even before Halloween rolled around you were telling your parents exactly what you wanted for Christmas? My mom raised me as a single mother, with not a single penny from anyone else. I’m sure she scraped up all the money she had to buy that Barbie dream house that I had been talking about the entire year. Those things weren’t cheap! Not to mention the hours she said it took her to put it together. Case in point, it was a sacrifice for her. If I had woke up that morning and just said, “Thanks but I don’t deserve that, you can take it back” I’m sure her heart would be broken. It was something that she wanted to do, something that absolutely thrilled her to make me a happy 5 year old. I know in no way, shape, or form is this a comparison of the sacrifice that my sweet Jesus made for us on that day, but it just makes me think of how hurt that He is when we don’t accept the gift of Grace that He wants us to take hold of and apply to our life so freely.

And this is me and my precious Mommy!

After I graduated from Bible College, I began to experience abuse and various issues that I had never experienced before. Hurt I never knew I could feel, and I didn’t have a plan. Instead of going forth with the plans that the Lord had for my life, I followed the world’s plan of masking my pain. It all started with one drink and ever since that first one, almost 10 years of sin, hurt, pain, suicide attempts, becoming physical ill to the point of nearly dying, the rock bottom came. After all the running, I finally saw that the Lord was waiting for me the entire time. He had a plan for me. In between events I would ask for God’s healing. As I knew He was my answer, but right before the wound was completely healed, I’d roam back down some wrong path, and that would was ripped open, making the new one even worse. Imagine being mauled by a grizzly bear, only to come out having scars and emotional damage that took a long time to heal. Before you are completely healed you go back out and do something to get those scars ripped open again. Instead of going to the doctor for treatment, you try to treat your pain in your own way, and that’s a sure fire way on a path of destruction, even death. That is where I was headed. Time after time after time. Why is it different this time? Because I am healed completely. The prayers and sacrifices that others have made on my behalf, the Grace that God gave to me so freely, and the infinite and unconditional love that surrounds me has brought me to my knees and to an entirely new level. I’m beyond excited to continue to share with you the journey, paths (both horrendous and beautiful) that have brought me today. If one mistake I made can help someone to avoid the same, it’s worth it. I’m not embarrassed. Because I’m free. Thank you Jesus. And thank you to my friends that never gave up on me. There were always the ones who talked about how horrible I was, or how far I’d fallen off the wagon. But there were those who loved me anyway. Your gift will be great for all you did. I LOVE you all. I can't wait to share the rest of the stories.... :)