Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Chasing After Love

So It’s been over the weekend and through til Tuesday but I’m back!

I just got back from NYC where some friends and I went, and I’m finally all caught up on sleepies. Alright!

I’ll pick up where I left off, like I promised.  Except it’s a few days later. ;)

It seems like a lot of single moms can relate to what it feels like being looked at as being a big OOPS, instead of a big, ‘Wow this is amazing’.  I understand we all have our own convictions, and things that bother us, but it most definitely is not a good thing, when you end up pointing the finger or calling someone out for something you yourself just did two nights ago.  But that’s life folks, the people pointing are almost always the one who need pointed at.

I was never good at the love thing.  Especially when I started drinking a lot.   Not remembering half the things I said and did sure makes things even more complicated.  I had my first serious boyfriend when I was 20, I think that was the only time I suffered a real heartbreak.  When I see him now, I praise the good Lord I didn’t end up down that path. For more reasons than one, I’m just thankful that God helped me to dodge that scary bullet.   Anyhow, I dated a lot in my early twenties but that became a bit destructive when I reached the age of about 22.  I met someone who I let tear my self esteem down in more ways than I even knew could be torn down.   I was a weak, numb, and sad person.  I think all I wanted was someone to love me, or to pay attention to me.  I knew where I was supposed to look for that, but instead, I went with what was closest, and what seemed the most real to me at the time.

Heartbreak after heartbreak, (some were my choices, others weren’t) which leads me to where I was for the last year, Pittsburgh, PA.   Pittsburgh is a different kind of city.  I can’t say I have ever been anywhere like it. I’ve lived a lot of places and would consider myself a friendly person.  But for some reason here, I couldn’t make any friends. (If any Burgers are reading this, I’m not trying to offend you, but don’t know how else to say it without getting my story across.)  I didn’t do anything differently, but I guess I didn’t click with anyone, or they didn’t click with me.  I am here in this city, alone, living near my father for the first time in my life. And I’m finally seeing him for what he was.  It scared me to death.  My whole life I was warned about this man who was my dad, but I thought he had changed, or maybe I could somehow get him to love me.

When I was 7, the love of my life, my Paw Paw passed away.  He was the only male figure who I’d ever known or been close to.  I knew who my daddy was and always curious about what he was like and why he didn’t call, come see me, or ask about me.  I knew that my Paw Paw’s funeral I would get the chance to see my dad.  I can still remember every single thing like it was yesterday.  I combed my hair just right, and made sure my tights had no snags and my shoes were extra shiny. I was so sad about my Grandfather but thought if my dad thought I was pretty, or looked nice enough, he would love me and want to be in my life, or call me or maybe even write me a letter.

We were at the funeral home in Whitesville, and I waited in the corner behind a chair to get a look at him.  He was with his wife and they pretended to not look at me or my mom.  I heard my Maw Maw ask him if he would like to meet me now, and he just responded with, ‘No now’s not the time’. I thought maybe later he would want to see me, so I kept my eye on him the whole time.   I later went back behind that chair and heard him laughing and making jokes, and bragging about what a big shot he was in Chicago with friends he had went to high school with.   I was already crying so hard because my Grandfather that I loved so much was gone.  And now I thought my father didn’t want me, and never would.   Even at the age of 7, I could tell when someone really didn’t want me.   And that feeling stuck with me throughout my entire life.

Once I got to really see what he was like, I was devastated even further.  I met someone who I thought would make everything okay, got engaged with my dream Tiffany ring, and tried to pretend it was the answer. When that turned into a living hell I left…. And about 2 months later, I met Eden’s, ‘biological father’. When he and I met, I was probably the lowest I’d ever been.  I would cry myself to sleep every night, think of ways to end everything, and honestly it was just so dark.  I was not a sober person, not a strong person, and felt like God had totally abandoned me.  The bad memories of my past seemed to creep up on me every single night, and if I did fall asleep, it was there too.  The point is, it was the bottom. I can’t put into words how low I had sunk, I pray God let’s me someday, as I know I’m not the only one to have felt that way.  When I met him, he took my mind off of every situation, and even though the pain didn’t go away, there was someone there with me and I didn’t feel so alone. I couldn’t leave Pennsylvania yet (my job and classes were there) and feeling stuck doesn’t describe it. 3 months of the relationship had crept up and I found out I was pregnant.  He and I never even so much as kissed again after the day I found out. I was starting to feel hopeful again, and wasn’t the sad depressed zombie I’d been anymore.  He didn’t like that. I guess I wasn’t as easy to control when I began to get my strength back.  The relationship became beyond horrible and scary, to the point that I don’t even like to talk about the details.  I said I was leaving, and he let me know that as long as I didn’t want to be with him there in Pennsylvania, he didn’t want anything to do with us.

My mommy came and we packed up everything we could fit into both of our cars. I even left all of my furniture in the house I was renting.  I was so scared, disgusted, and hurt to have to ever go back there. When I look back now I see that God brought me through all of that, and he gave me little Eden and saved my life.  I can never look at life, pain, or circumstance the same way again.  When I wake up in the morning I not only feel renewed by His grace, strength, and joy, but I can’t wait to see that precious baby girl’s smile. I would go through a million more dark days just to see that.

Although I’m not where I’d like to be, God has brought me a million miles from the dark times in my life. That doesn’t mean there won’t be more, but it does mean that I’ve seen the bottom, and made it out alive.  I couldn’t be more blessed.  :)  I have amazing friends and family who have truly helped me to get through all of this.  I’m sorry I didn’t turn to you, and even more sorry that I didn’t turn to the Lord, earlier in my messes.  But hey guys, it’s never too late to turn it around. I promise. I went chasing after a love my whole life.  It was there the whole time, and I've found it again in my Heavenly Father, and a lil girl named Eden.

This was a weird blog entry, but again, I just go w/ my heart and share what I feel. Hope it can help somebody somewhere.

Love you all.


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Feeling Silenced.

I’ve been quiet for awhile.  And it’s not because I don’t have anything to say.  I actually have more to say now than I ever have in my entire life.  But shame and opinions have tried to silence me.  It's just time I realized I'm not going to let them.

Being a completely sober person has helped me to remember things God placed into my spirit so long ago, and also to help me to see the new things He is showing me.  So much has changed, and I’m so thankful. This doesn’t however make life easier, or the mistakes I’ve made in the past easier to deal with. As of today I am nearing my 6 month of pregnancy.  A lot of people say their, ‘Congratulations’ with a huge smile on their face, with a real sense of excitement that I can see behind their eyes.  Some people say it begrudgingly, because they feel they have to.  Others say nothing at all, then there are the select few that are completely honest and say, ‘Um, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to say congratulations to you, or I’m sorry.’ I actually had a lady say that to me.  There have only been a few people who let me know they were disappointed in me, and to that all I can say, is I’m always sorry to have disappointed anyone.  But my Gran told me when I was around 9, ‘No matter what you do in life, you can’t make everyone happy’.  I’m glad I grew up knowing that. Otherwise I would have tried to win everyone’s approval.  ( That’s why I love Ephesians 6:6 so very much. Not with eyeservice as men pleasers, but as servants of God, doing the will of God from the heart.)

Ever since I found out I was pregnant with Eden, (If you aren’t sure who Eden is, that is the beautiful lil girl I am carrying around in my belly.)  I’ve realized that no matter what year it is, no matter how many people say they are non-judgemental, and no matter if I’m talking to a bar owner or a Pastor, when they find out that I’m not married and pregnant, that becomes what defines me.  It feels so amazing when I talk to someone who still sees me as a person, and not just an unwed mother to be. Meeting and having friends who have been through the same thing, and those who see past my mistakes are one of the main reasons I get through each day.  Thank you. :)  There are no other words I can say, but thanks.  I love you so much.

Now is the tough part.  All of the questions, whispers, and things people are afraid to ask.  Who is the baby daddy?  Are you still together?  How could you let this happen?  How are you going to take care of a child? I know I know, I don’t have to answer anything.  The only person I have to answer to is God.  Oh, and Eden of course.  I want her to know everything.  But instead of being secretive, or being embarrassed, I want to share.  I like to share every single mistake, hardship, and victory that I have, so that it may be able to help the next person.   My mistakes aren’t good for much else! As I’m watching my belly move from her lil kicks, the tears start to flow!!!  She’s so charming already! :)

Writing more tomorrow… PROMISE. I’m about to fall asleep as I’m typing… XOXO


Monday, September 20, 2010

He's just that into me. :)

So lots has happened since my last Glitter Love Truth.com post! I have a new job, my car broke down on the side of a speedy interstate on the way to my 10 year high school reunion leaving me stranded and unable to attend, and Lady Gaga is officially batpoop crazy.

For those of you that didn’t get a chance to listen, you can check out my interview with Courtnee Scott @ Handmaiden Live here http://www.handmaidenlive.com/2010/09/20/after-the-show-92010-rae-canterberry/  or here http://www.blogtalkradio.com/handmaidenlive/2010/09/20/rachel-canterberry-interview . Courtnee is SO beautiful, obvi, but not only that, but girlfriend is also shakin’ things up in the Kingdom of God and beyond with her blog and radio show, where so many truths others won't share, are shared.  Making it obvious why her show is transparent, true, taboo. :) You can connect to her many ways, but you can start by going to http://www.handmaidenlive.com/ to check out what Courtnee has got goin’ on.

Lately the transition I have been experiencing has been blowin’ my mind. Not only has God given me the courage and strength to learn to let go of what other people think, but He has also helped me to begin living a transparent life and letting my past be a testimony instead of being ashamed of it.

The hurt that we experience in life, can many times transfer over into our actions, or can become strongholds in our mind. I’m so thankful that God has turned my mourning into dancing, and that I have a hope. As do you! Granted, life is not always lollipops and daises, but it is a darn good feeling to have someone to run to when I don’t know what to do. If I’m hurting, embarrassed, lonely, or depressed, He’s there. If I’m excited, joyful, giddy, or encouraged, He’s there. He’s not gonna breakup with me, or decide to not call me back b/c He’s just not that into me. ;)  He IS just that into me.  And He's just that into you all the same.  You have no idea how crazy He is about you.  Maybe you do, and if so, get it honey... Because it’s an amazing love, and discovering it all over again, in an entirely new way is more than I can explain.

I’m finishing up something tonight that the Lord has been showing me about where we place our joy… Can’t wait to finishing posting it for all of you to read. I will be giving GLT much more attention over the coming weeks, as there is so much the Lord is laying on my heart to share with all of you.

Love you MUCH!


p.s. Um, Dancing with the Stars anyone?? The Hoff, The Situation, I mean how could you miss it? Also, SPARKLES everywhere!!!! I just want to see David Hasselhoff eat a cheeseburger while laying on the floor shirtless. I think I will youtube that again right now just because. LOL… Thanks Hoff.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


From learning to ‘ Guard My Heart’ to learning tricks to still feel pretty and normal while 5 months pregnant, it has been a crazy few months getting back into the swing of things. It has been years since I have felt so at peace, and such pure happiness that I know is nothing but the unconditional love from God. My mommy, friends, and a few family members have also shown me what the meaning of that unconditional love is. I know that our family are supposed to be the ones that are there through thick and thin. And no matter what, they should be the ones who won’t leave you and always welcome you back with open arms. If you are blessed enough to have family in your life, ones that won’t judge you, and welcome you with open arms just like the Prodigal, you are one blessed cat. Let me tell ya. :)

So last night I was watching the movie Taken, with Liam Neeson, I know, I know it’s like 2 years old but I’m not always the first one to see a new movie. Obvi. So, I will admit it was a gripping, and amazing movie, but I kept thinking how much I wish he were my dad. If you haven’t seen the movie, look it up on IMDB, or Wikipedia because I don’t want be a spoiler and I can be terrible at explaining a premise of a movie without giving it away. Let’s just say this man went through hell, highwater, and the worst things you can imagine just to rescue his little girl. That is something that I always longed for, to have someone rescue me, protect me, or punish someone who had broken my heart or hurt me in some way.

I am at a place now, where sharing everything I have, and being transparent is extremely important to me, so I feel that I can share things I never really felt comfortable with before.  But never having my father around, for the first 18 years of my life (and I don’t even want to get into what kind of heartbreak he has brought into my life even after) left a longing for something that I couldn’t pinpoint, but just felt I couldn’t find. When I was stuck all the way in New York City, by now everyone knows where, with no idea of who to call. My sweet as apple pie mother, but can turn into Mama bear when protecting her lil cub… (that would be me) hates driving on the interstate in Columbus, Ohio much less driving through the streets of Manhattan and Queens, drove 10 hours just to come rescue me, with every penny she had to her name. The Lord has placed people around me my entire life, my mommy, my Aunt Susie, my Maw Maw, Gran, and many others, who He knew would take care of me. But instead of recognizing them for what they were, I kept searching. All the while giving my heart away to just about anyone who would let me. If I only knew then….

Of course the first time I felt the presence of the Lord so strongly, I was in my room, at the age of 13 praying and heard His voice saying, ‘You ARE My child, and I AM your Father.’. I will never forget that as long as I live. It was the first time I had ever felt, or heard that voice before. And unfortunately I can’t explain it or even come close to putting it into words.

Even so, after the Lord had spoken to me through scripture, Pastors, teachings, you name it, I still kept searching for some sort of physical, emotional, or whatever kind of love I could find from a male figure. And… I never found it. It’s now, at the age of 28 years old, expecting a lil miracle of my own, that I realize that love was there all along. He is continuing to heal all the hurts, make the scars disappear, and I’m living proof that all of the miracles we see on the outside, are just as real and just as powerful as the ones when our brokenhearts are mended.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Guarding that heart.....

Whoa! It has been quite a while since I have been back on the blog wagon but life is finally starting to settle into place for me here, and I’m ready to open up about more than I have before. Some people may ask why someone would want to share their life and innermost thoughts with the blogosphere, but if I could help just ONE person from making the mistakes I’ve had, or push someone a tad bit in the right direction, I’m all about it.

Being single, expecting a beautiful baby girl, and starting over is most definitely not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life. I look back at previous years and see myself in a different world, pretty much an entirely different universe. Sometimes when we hit rock bottom, the only place to look is up. There are a million different ways to say this, we can put it so many different little quotes we hear here and there, but when you are at rock bottom, none of that matters. All that we feel is that hurt, pain, heartbreak… and you know what I think hurts even worse?? When the word AGAIN follow those other feelings.

As I begin to catch up on many things that have been going on, God has laid it on my heart to talk more about it. More about deeper feelings, real things that I know other people are dealing with, and it’s also therapeutic to me to have all of you to see. Weird? Yeah, but hey. I’m a weirdo. ;)

Never let vulnerability, while often humiliating, let you feel weak. Sometimes in life, actually a lotta times, it is entirely necessary. Would love matter as much, without the risk of possible pain? Makes me wonder.

I’m going to be writing all night. I’m studying a lot about the verse I have tattooed on my right arm Proverbs 4:23 – And above all else, GUARD YOUR HEART, for it is the wellspring of life.

I think so much of where I am today, is because I haven’t done so. I’m ready to learn to do it with the help of He, that helps me get through each day.

LOVE YOU. So very much. :)




(that are NEVER related to my posts, btw)

UMMMM Not can I just say that the LUSH moisturizer ‘Vanishing Cream’ is a total Godsend that I’m currently obsessed with. It pretty much rules. If you want everyone to say, OMGOSH you are glowing, (not just cause I’m preggo) go buy a lil thing of it. It’s amazing. :)

Friday, July 16, 2010

A Practice Baby?!!?

Someone at work yesterday asked me how much experience that I had solely caring for a baby. The last time I had any experience with a real, live, crying baby was um, well… Never. The closest I came will go all the way back to 10th grade baby experiment that took place in our Parenting class.

How the parenting class ended up on my schedule is a bit hard for me to remember. I have to come to the conclusion that it was either a bunch of my friends were taking it, or I signed up for the elective to avoid another one in which I either had to add, subtract, or dissect something. Anyway, I still remember sitting in Mrs. Laraba’s classroom when the magical, crying babies were passed out to each of us, along with the key to make them stop crying. I believe they were called, “Baby Think it Over” dolls. Yes, Liberty High School in Glen Daniel, West Virginia had this wonderful technology. And this was back in 1999 folks!

The point of the project, was to learn what it was like to be a real live parent, with a real live crying baby. The baby would cry at different intervals of the day, and night, and to pacify this baby, you would insert a magic key into the baby’s back, and you would have to hold it until the baby made no more noise and , ‘fell back asleep’. The baby supposedly had sensors inside that would tell our teacher how many times we fed it with the miraculous key, or just ignored it and let it scream all night. It also would report any signs of abuse such as throwing it against a wall, pinching it, or anything like that. This would obviously grant you an automatic F = FAIL on the project which would bring down your entire grade since it counted for something like 30% of the final grade in the class.

When it was my turn to take care of “Baby Gumby” for the week, (that’s what I named him b/c his feet were sort of block shaped and flat like Gumby’s…. plus I really love Gumby, and Pokey!) everything started off so sweet and loving. I found myself being even being affectionate to Baby Gumby! Baby Gumby made no noise until he was hungry, and as his screaming would start, I just placed the key in his back and he stopped immediately. WOW. That was easy. I was gonna cover Baby Gumby in kisses for making this 100% A PLUS that I was going to receive so easy! The lil coos and ahhs he made as he was being fed with the key were so freakin’ adorable!!! Until he decided to start waking me up in the middle of the night. Oh Baby Gumby became SO not cute anymore. After waking at 11, 1, then 3 all in the same night on Tuesday, I was dreading what Wednesday was going to be like. Wednesday came around, and not only was I SO sleepy, but Baby Gumby was NOT sleepy. Oy vey.

Anyway, that night, when the cries started to erupt from this lil plastic doll, I inserted the key and it broke. Yes, the key broke into Baby Gumby’s back and now the cries seemed to get louder. And as I laid there for another hour of the crying, and realized that my mom and step-dad were probably about 2.5 seconds from throwing the baby threw the window, I took him outside, wrapped him up in some blankets and placed him in my car. While I didn’t get an automatic fail, I still passed the class! I still hold a special place for Baby Gumby in my heart.

These days the technology of these pretend babies are INSANE. The kids now wear bracelets with censors built in, and when the baby cries, they can actually burp them, feed them, change a diaper, etc. and when the censor moves over the area that the baby was crying about, he stops crying! Then there is a more specific printout the instructor can give the student to show how many feedings, naptimes, etc. that they missed. Sounds much better than a broken key!

Moral of this story…. I’ve got a lot to learn. ;)


I haven’t written back to you and I’m SO sorry. I don’t get on much and when I do, it’s through my cell phone, so I can’t write back the long responses I want to. So just email me at glitterbabyrae@gmail.com and I will be sure to receive your message and can write you back right away!

A lot of people have been asking me why I am having a child and am not married. I’m as sweet as it gets, and love everyone SO much but I have to say that was what ran me away from the church the first time. There are people having sex, doing drugs, and a whole lot worse going on, and for me to be a 28 year old woman who has been through hell and back, having just got my life back together and am SO in love with my Lord, I did mess up. But, what really happened, and why isn’t really anyone’s bid-ness. Except my close friends and family. So let’s just leave it at that. All I care about is that I am gonna have this baby and love on it constantly. It’s a blessing. And with that said… If you have any other questions, please don’t hesitate to let me know. You wouldn’t believe some of the things people say! Unreal. :-/

But I wanna leave this on a happy note….. It’s FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!! I think I may drive down to WV so everybody get ready for some Canterberry to come in to town!!!! It may get a little crazy.

:) Nah, not anymore. ;)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Byebye to Justin Bobby's Hair, and To Bein' a Mean Girl

So I’m already dreading saying goodbye to Audrina, Kristin, Lo, and Stephanie tonight on The Hills. As cheesfully scripted it was, I still was a bit addicted and will miss guessing who would swap spit next week. Aww. Too bad. So sad, BUT it looks like there will be show about Audrina, and also if those rumours are true, Heidi and Jen Bunny will have their own show. I’ll pass on that one… right… WHO AM I KIDDING???

It’s been a bit of a crazy life lately. My emotions are going crazy, and I can’t pin it just on any one thing. I have to do what is right for me, my lil baby (which I get to find out the sex of in just a few weeks), and our future.  More to come on all of that stuff!!!  

Nonetheless all of it has got me thinking.  And over the past few years, I’ve held so much in, and had a fa├žade that I was super happy, when in reality I was dying inside. So many of my friends and family that are close, know the struggles that I have held inside and tried to deal with on my own. Other people probably just think I’m crazy, and many couldn't care less. It makes me start to think of how I treat other people that I begin to judge quickly, let get on my nerves, or simply just brush them off as a ________ "fill in the blank". It makes me sick to know that people did and continue to do that to me without even knowing what has been done to me and how many times I’ve been hurt and whoa whoa whoa wait a minute. I do the exact same thing to people, that was driving me straight to a living hell. And probably if I had kept going a very ‘literal’ hell. Thank you Jesus. Seriously. THANK YOU. I will never, ever, ever look at a single person again and think, dang, that girl is a serious biatch without wondering why. It DOES however bother me when the 'religious' come out in people that wanna sound all spiritual and important.  

It happened to me in my weekly Women's Bible Study Group a lady made sure that when dealing with people we had a problem with we should, ‘SEE THEM WITH GODS EYES’ OK. That would’ve been great if you were looking at me with His eyes lady. But ever since I came to this Bible study you are staring at me, whispering, contradicting every idea or comment that comes out of my mouth. Could YOU please see me with his eyes? PLEASE? I left that church group the very next day and never went back.  Call me sensitive, call me crazy, tell me to toughen up. But NOONE knows what the person next to you is dealing, has dealt with, or what they are going through. We haven't the slightest idea how bad someone could possibly hurting.

I'm sure she probably didn’t like the fact that I had tattoos and 4 inch funky heels and crazy hair and had a different type of personality, but some of the things she did and said towards me went too far. And at a Women’s Bible Study no less? Had she followed her own directions and ‘SAW ME WITH GODS EYES’ she would’ve seen a girl on her last leg, with one last hope in the world. Someone who begs to be lifted off of the floor for forgiveness and someone who DOESN’T think they are special. All I wanted was to feel the love of Jesus that night. I felt like I had been asked to leave.  I had felt lonlier than ever. 

OK, I’m getting all teary eyed even remembering all that. And didn’t even plan on writing that on here. But it just came out somehow. ;) Anyhow, just in case you decide to throw a little, hair toss smirky-nasty on someone.... If someone is being a total jerkface to you, or even just getting on your nerves for no reason, there probably is a reason behind what it is about them that you don’t like. For me, doing this is a process. I have to keep reminding myself that I haven't walked in their shoes, nor do I know what kind of mess they woke up to this morning. And it’s tough. But life isn’t fun when you can’t stand people anyway. So it feels better to know that they probably have either been through something a whole lotta crappy, or maybe they are feeling something from you that they don’t understand or like. Which if that is the case, (In the words of Willy Wonka) they need strike that flip it and reverse it.  :)

OK wow, wasn’t expecting to write all of that. I love ya’ll….. Have fun watching The Hills tonight!!! Don’t forget there is a reunion show too! WOOHOO… Ok, I need to calm down I am WAYYYY more into Real Housewives these days but come on a Series Finale?? I have to get excited.


Spencer Pratt,

I’m sorry to hear you don’t have a place to live now. ( http://www.popeater.com/2010/07/12/spencer-pratt-homeless-no-place-to-live/ ) I think you should go spend the night with that family whose kid you were so nice to. Yeah, lil Enzo. They will let you stay there! I would offer you my couch but your flesh colored beard could possibly scare or offend my dog and cat. Good Luck Buddy!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Only because you asked! :)

Crikey it's hot out there! 

A lot of you have asked me to tell you more about my NYC story. The details that lie beneath each minute of that ordeal still can be recalled as if they happened yesterday. There is so much that I want to talk about that I still can’t yet. But I will. One memory that sticks with me is while I was waiting to be placed in a cell, I hadn’t eaten anything so of course I was starving. Actually I was so upset I wasn’t hungry but almost two days without food was starting to make me feel even worse. A part of the prison program for inmates who are there for an extended period of time, let the women have a job in the prison, and in return not only does the time go by faster, but they get a couple of bucks for their Commissary account. (If you don't know what a Commissary account is look it up, I've always wanted to say that.) A tiny girl that told me to call her ‘CeCe’ was mopping the floor when she had to come in my holding cell to mop and sweep around me. She asked why I was there, and after I told her my story she said , ‘I’ll be right back’. CeCe returned with a plastic kitchen glove, with a fresh piece of chicken inside. She let me know that it was ‘Chicken Day’ in the kitchen, and it was the only day the food was good. Then instructed me to eat it fast so she, (or I), didn’t get into trouble. I ate it in about 2.5 seconds and CeCe was right. It was some good chicken. :)

Ok, that’s all of that subject I feel like talking about today. It’s so strange being the crazydays of summer and coming home after work and not going out at night to party it up in a ridiculous manner I might add. Instead I’m starting to Volunteer at a Hospice Program, Reading like mad, and among other things, have become hooked on downloadable games from Amazon. Has anyone ever played the CakeMania Game? Or those hidden find games? Those are the best! I have to practically get dragged off of the couch. I feel that the season of fast moving, and moving constantly for selfish reasons, have finally come to an end. I tried so many times in the words of Vanilla Ice to stop, collaborate and listen. But something just wasn’t gelling. And it’s OK. No matter how many times you fall off the horse, go down the wrong path, miss the turn b/c the GPS took you the wrong way (just like putting far too much trust in people), it’s no one else’s place to tell you messed up one time too many. When God picks you up again, dusts you off, of course it’s not time to run and jump in a mud puddle on purpose, but if you happen to fall in, the price has already been paid for you to get washed off again. I’m so thankful for that grace. It is THAT, that has saved my life, and kept me alive.

Alright well now it’s about that time for lunch. I SO wish I could order Hibachi to go. Is that possible? I’m going to call and ask. Like, while the guy is cooking at the table for 5 people he could cook mine too and throw it in a box. A pink sparkly box would be nice. I also want to watch ‘13 Going on 30’ for some reason. I may just do that when I get home.



p.s. Lindsay Lohan, I hope you stay strong in the Klink. Show off all your tats. That will give you some street cred and maybe you won’t get beat up.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Mommy's Future lil DIVA or ROCKSTAR! ;)

SO long since I've written.  I'm sorry, and this will SO not be a normal occurrence.  Morning sickness has overtaken my life and whoever called it 'MORNING' sickness can kiss my hiney.  It's more like am I dying +stomach flu + hangover where tequila was involved.  Which = no blogging.  I'm now almost in my 2nd Trimester so I feel like doing stuff again YAY!  My blog isn't going to be all baby related, just this one post, then back to more fun stuff to talk to about with my readers.  If you aren't preggo, or don't have kids, it can be quite boring to read about it.  Nevertheless, here is my update: (it won't be too often i give them on this site)

 As most of you know, I am expecting my lil baby bundle of joy and poo and cries and laughs and lots more surprises on January 12th! I think about the lil peanuckle everyday and lay my hands on my belly and pray. Thank you Jesus for my lil miracle. I'll keep you ALL updated, as of now I'm only 13 weeks.

Morning sickness is FINALLY starting to subside, but the cravings are going crazy! Hot Fries are my weakness. I eat a small bag nearly every day! How horrible is that?! I am STILL craving mini baby carrots like crazy. But something about Italian food is making me sick. The other day I ate at Red Robin and they probably regretted it when they invented the 'Bottomless Fries' idea when I walked through the door. I followed it with the largest piece of cake you've ever seen. I think I even licked the plate to get the last drop of fudge. Accidently of course. Oopsies. ;)

It's all so crazy and weird to adjust to, but I'm more excited than I can imagine! You can't see my baby bump TOO much, but I did go to the pool to relax on Sunday and here is my first baby bump picture! Along with my 'Knocked Up' Dairy Queen ice cream cake. And my infamous plate licking sensation from Red Robin. LOVE YOU ALL!!! xoxoxoxoxo
Following are some pics, and next time I'll be writing about stuff a lil bit of everyone may be interested in. 


My 3 month baby bump!!!!! :)

I'd been craving a Dairy Queen ice cream cake... So it says "KNOCKED UP" LOVED IT.

I literally licked the plate. YUMMY GOODNESS.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Thank YOU my LOVES! :)

Is there another word that describes WOW? Even when I spell it backwards it still just is WOW and that is not nearly enough to describe what the past few years have been. More tumultuous than climbing Mt. Everest, a tad bit of the element of riding a Roller Coaster. I tried looking WOW up in the Thesaurus and that just made things even more complicated so we will just stick with WOW.  For NOW. Hey that rhymes.

I went from living in Music City, USA, hanging around some pretty amazing and talented people, to moving to Pittsburgh, PA after a pretty horrible ‘overkill’ on the part of the NYPD. Thought I found love and got engaged, ended up in a dangerous situation and tried to start over. And NOW I’m going to be a MOMMY! I’m shocked, happy, extremely ecstatic, and sort of scared. I started dating one of the sweetest guys I had ever met a few weeks after I moved into my new place and after all, being quite lonely he was so wonderful to have around. I can honestly say to this day I’ve never met someone so docile and sweet towards me. We are very different, but he is the father of the new love of my life in my belly and I couldn’t be more in love with the baby already. Truth is, I really do love kids... I'm sure you've seen pictures of me showing a very different side. I'm not even close to being that person anymore. See I DO love kiddos.  I'm not born to be a party animal but a Mommy.  :)

The main reason for this entry is to thank the people who encouraged me. I consider myself to be an extremely strong Christian who has dedicated my life back to the Lord and is SO in love with Him. Yet we all make mistakes. My baby however, was a surprise, but not a mistake. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for every single person who commented on my Facebook, sent me a message, and treated me like any other normal person would. I will not forget that. I also received some rather hateful messages and judgmental statements b/c I am a Christian. Let he who is without any sin please cast the first stone. Thanks. LOL. I still plan to live my life loving my God with my entire heart, as He does the same for me. There’s a thing called forgiveness, ever heard of it? When we are hurtful, or pass judgment on others, it’s just as bad sweet pea. So again thank you to all my AWESOME friends, family, and acquaintances who have offered their support, I need it more than you know. I can’t wait to keep you all updated on this journey. Right now I’m 2 ½ months along. And I need ALLLLLL the suggestions I can get!  We better pray I have a girl. ;) Just kidding I just want a healthy lil baby that can tell jokes and entertain me.  Also, I'm craving a heck of a lotta Waffle House... I need to move back down South :(   


p.s.  Oh, and one more thing... Rest in Peace Gary Coleman, we will miss your antics.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I'm obviously not 'Religious' but I have this thing called an AMAZING “Relationship"

Waking up feeling defeated isn’t something that can easily go away. Sometimes it’s literally a fight, and I mean a knock down drag out fight, to face the day. I had one of those mornings yesterday. I am quite certain that I am not the only one to have experienced this. The enemy is always going to try to drudge up the past, and try to bring it to the forefront of our mind. As well as put fear into our hearts and minds, sometimes that does not even exist. At these times it’s our turn to quote the scripture that our Jesus did. Just as Satan tempted Jesus in the wilderness, he is going to tempt us to forget the wonderful, perfect, and most beautiful sacrifice that has ever been given. When Jesus died for our sins, all that was paid for. So when we begin to dwell on our past, and our past failures, we are denying that gift that Jesus gave for us on the cross that day. When we wallow around in the hurt our own sin has caused us and caused others, we are again; acting is if that gift didn’t matter.

Do you remember when you were little and even before Halloween rolled around you were telling your parents exactly what you wanted for Christmas? My mom raised me as a single mother, with not a single penny from anyone else. I’m sure she scraped up all the money she had to buy that Barbie dream house that I had been talking about the entire year. Those things weren’t cheap! Not to mention the hours she said it took her to put it together. Case in point, it was a sacrifice for her. If I had woke up that morning and just said, “Thanks but I don’t deserve that, you can take it back” I’m sure her heart would be broken. It was something that she wanted to do, something that absolutely thrilled her to make me a happy 5 year old. I know in no way, shape, or form is this a comparison of the sacrifice that my sweet Jesus made for us on that day, but it just makes me think of how hurt that He is when we don’t accept the gift of Grace that He wants us to take hold of and apply to our life so freely.

And this is me and my precious Mommy!

After I graduated from Bible College, I began to experience abuse and various issues that I had never experienced before. Hurt I never knew I could feel, and I didn’t have a plan. Instead of going forth with the plans that the Lord had for my life, I followed the world’s plan of masking my pain. It all started with one drink and ever since that first one, almost 10 years of sin, hurt, pain, suicide attempts, becoming physical ill to the point of nearly dying, the rock bottom came. After all the running, I finally saw that the Lord was waiting for me the entire time. He had a plan for me. In between events I would ask for God’s healing. As I knew He was my answer, but right before the wound was completely healed, I’d roam back down some wrong path, and that would was ripped open, making the new one even worse. Imagine being mauled by a grizzly bear, only to come out having scars and emotional damage that took a long time to heal. Before you are completely healed you go back out and do something to get those scars ripped open again. Instead of going to the doctor for treatment, you try to treat your pain in your own way, and that’s a sure fire way on a path of destruction, even death. That is where I was headed. Time after time after time. Why is it different this time? Because I am healed completely. The prayers and sacrifices that others have made on my behalf, the Grace that God gave to me so freely, and the infinite and unconditional love that surrounds me has brought me to my knees and to an entirely new level. I’m beyond excited to continue to share with you the journey, paths (both horrendous and beautiful) that have brought me today. If one mistake I made can help someone to avoid the same, it’s worth it. I’m not embarrassed. Because I’m free. Thank you Jesus. And thank you to my friends that never gave up on me. There were always the ones who talked about how horrible I was, or how far I’d fallen off the wagon. But there were those who loved me anyway. Your gift will be great for all you did. I LOVE you all. I can't wait to share the rest of the stories.... :)

Rikers Island. And it's not the Caribbean. :)

Rikers Island. And it's not the Caribbean. :)
OK, So Back to the ordeal of a lifetime. I left off in the holding cell where the other girls and I were sitting for hours. Me, about 14, some shorter, some longer. Erin had met someone in the airport and flirted her way into getting me one of his lawyer friends to come down to the courthouse to my arraignment. Little did I know how much this was going to cost me?

Finally, a ‘C.O’ (Corrections Officer) as everyone calls them, handcuffed me and led me to the most beautiful courthouse I had ever seen. It looked like a ballroom in some sort of castle. And scattered throughout it were people like me, and some not so much. People that hadn’t slept for days, some wounded, and some still strung out on drugs, and some that simply didn’t pay their entire cab fare. I had a two minute conversation with my attorney, who said a lot of discombobulated things that made no sense to me whatsoever. We approached the judge and since I was from out of state, no one there to post bail for me, the judge was new, and wasn’t quite sure what to do with me. I was accused of selling two pills to an undercover cop. None of which I remember doing. It was a confusing situation all around, and so they said I was to go to Rikers Island.

Rikers Island is an infamous place. 2Pac wrote about it in his songs, Sid Vicious spent time there the day before he committed suicide, (or was murdered), and some of the most hardened criminals of our time have spent time inside these walls. After they took all my information, I was handcuffed to a girl with NO and I mean ZERO teeth in her mouth. She was a tall Hispanic girl with strawberry blondish hair. She seemed out of it, but still didn’t feel like she wanted to talk to me. Well if you know me well enough, I’ll strike up a conversation with the guy begging for money on the corner, or the Pope. So I started to ask her about Rikers. She said, ‘Keep to yourself, don’t bother anyone and they won’t bother you’ apparently she had been there more than once. There was some old hip hop song on the radio and she began to sing every word. We were handcuffed together on this rattling old bus with bars in the front, back and beside each seat. There were even Juvenile offenders on the ride with us. To say they were bothering me would be an understatement. But I was in such a daze, such a state of ‘I can’t believe this is happening to me’ that nothing phased me.

When we were escorted out of the bus, we were booked inside, and locked into another holding cell for around 5 more hours. I still had on my strapless leather dress, and my chunky black strappy heels. The C.O. let me know there was no way I could wear that into my cell block. So I had to search through old bags of clothes to find something to cover up. They don’t give jumpsuits to someone unless they are sentenced. Since I was just being held until my bail was paid, I had to wear normal clothes. I found a blue Hollister polo and put it over my dress, and had to still wear the bubble skirt underneath. I literally looked like a homeless Barbie on crack. As they put me in yet another holding cell while my paperwork was being processed I fell asleep on a hard wooden board, along with my handcuff friend who had no problem being there. She acted as if it was a hotel stay.

In Jail, you get yelled at for everything. I had to call my mom to tell her what we needed to do to gather money for bail, tell her I was ok, and try to hold myself together. I sat down while I was talking and got screamed at to, ‘YOU ARENT ALLOWED TO SIT DOWN WHILE ON THE PHONE’. Ok, so I didn’t know. This happened over and over during my stay in the fabulous Island of Rikers. I once got screamed at for going upstairs to my cell to brush my teeth. Some CO’s were nicer than others. Certain ones would let us listen to the radio and I LOVED watching the black girls from Harlem and Queens dance. It was nothing like I had ever seen. When I first arrived, I was told to not look to the right or to the left. Catcalls like “Where’d you get that tan white girl” “Hey Malibu Barbie looks like you is Prison Barbie now” And the cackles were heard from all the way until I reached my new bed. If you want to call a piece of plastic covered with a sheet a bed. It was lunch time when I arrived in my ‘Cell Block’ so I got in line and got my food (if you want to call it that) and had no idea where to sit. I saw a table of girls who told me I could sit with them and they just stared at me in amazement asking, “What did you do white girl”? When I told the story, the entire cell block was imitating my southern twang, and began to warm up. By the second day, I let them braid my hair into corn rows. There was nothing else I could do with it. I have super curly hair, and no hair products were allowed only soap and shampoo. I wish I could’ve had a camera.

Getting to know these women, their stories, their hearts, why they were there, I wouldn’t trade for anything in this world. Hopefully someday I can tell the rest of the story, but I think about these women every day. One of the sentences that stick with me more than anything is this… “Once that cell door closes, I cry myself to sleep” and almost in unison the women said, I feel you. So do I. There was a point where there were 3 itty bitty bibles lying on the CO’s table. Everyone wanted one. Everyone wanted to go to the church services. They may have been bored, whatever the case is, and it’s a HUGE chance to minister to these women. An open door. Their hearts are broken, as well as their spirit. Imagine all hope being gone. It’s hard to imagine. Having no control over when to eat, sleep, or even sit down is something most people in the world will never experience. Some people most definitely DO DESERVE this treatment, or even worse. But that doesn’t mean they can’t be forgiven, or have hoped for and to possibly feel what REAL and UNCONDITIONAL love is.

There is so much more I want to say, I’ve taken a LOT of flak for sharing my all and sharing all this with my blog. But I do want to start living my life as an open book. If there is a question, I’ll answer it honestly. I want to hug, love, help, give, and do anything I can to prevent amazing people from making the same mistakes I have.

I love you all so much.
So many people were involved in helping me. Mommy, Gran, Mike, Lisa, and many more, you have no idea what all of your prayers meant to me. I’ll never forget it.

If you’d like to write me, please send an email to glitterbabyrae@gmail.com

Infinite X’s and O’s,


But What Did I Do?! Really? What??

As my hands were quickly jerked behind my back and cuffed together it felt like a mix between a dream and a role in a movie. I had no doubt in my mind that Ashton Kutcher or some other goofy character would pop out from behind a bush(even though I’m clearly not a celebrity) and ‘Punk’ me. Instead the contents of my purse were dumped out onto a table while I was shoved into the back of a van where the seats were made of wooden boards, one on each side of the van facing each other. I began crying out, ‘What is going on, what did I do, someone PLEASE tell me what is happening to me’ because in my mind, I truly, without a doubt, had no idea what was going on. (Unfortunately that's what every criminal says, even if they ARE guilty of a crime) That was until I saw my Prescription bottle on the small table outside of the van. With approximately 6 officers, all wearing latex gloves, counting the pills, and writing down the inscription on each pill, the doors were slammed and the van started to move. With my friends still inside the club, and no phone, coat, pillow, blanket, or even the state of mind to say a prayer, I lost complete consciousness.

I woke up being escorted to a Police Precinct in Manhattan, and just stepping foot in the place gives you the creeps. I was fingerprinted and got the prettiest mugshot ever taken. I looked like a mix between Don King and Courtney Love. I wish I could get my hands on it. It’s a real ‘beaut’. They walked me down the hall to a cell, gave me a ratty old blanket and locked the door. I remember still being in and out of consciousness until I finally fell asleep.

Around 8:00am the next morning, they came to get me to take me to a holding cell at the Courthouse right in the middle of Manhattan. It’s a couple of blocks from SOHO, so you are smack dab in the middle of the city. The officers helped me out of the same van I had been put in the night before, (rolling around like a pinball because there no seats, only wooden boards) and I asked again, ‘What did I do, and why am I here’. I had drunk so much that I blacked out and don’t remember doing anything wrong. One of the officers, said, ‘Did you happen to sell any pills’. I said ‘Of course not, that’s disgusting who does that; I’m not a drug dealer’. ‘He said did you take any pills yesterday while you were drinking?’ I replied with a yes, and then he said I apparently wanted to die young. After that, I at least had a clue of what must’ve happened, but still couldn’t put the pieces together. I’ve never sold or gave anyone a pill in my life. I always thought pills were skanky. But, for the past month, I had been taking a Percocet here or there, by self-medicating to ease my migraines and my depression all at the same time. It had made me forget all of my pain I had experienced and took away the horrible disturbing memories, and if I had a drink with one, I had no sadness at all. Those made me feel better, even though it was only temporary. And afterward, I felt a million times worse. Not to mention too guilty to go to the Lord for the forgiveness and help he would have so easily given to me.

As we were walking to the Courthouse holding cell, the officers asked me questions like what I did for a living, a bit of small talk, then led me to be ‘inspected’. Before I was led to my cell, I had to go get checked out by a female guard. I threw up because my nerves were a wreck, mixed with the amount of alcohol I had consumed the previous day. She proceeded to say, ‘I don’t have time for this you crackhead b&%^$. She screamed at me for having wire in my bra, and proceeded to tell the officers waiting in the other room to get the crackhead b&%v$ out of her face, she was ready for the next one.

The officers then mentioned that I’d only be in the holding cell for about an hour, and I’d get to go home. Um, WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG. More like 14 hours. The cell was about as big as the kitchen on the TV show ‘Full House’. Sorry but that’s the only reference I can think of because when it comes to measurements, you’re asking the wrong chick. There were 3 of these icky plastic green mats. One toilet, with a sink on the top. I don't even think it had a door. When I walked in there were 5 other women inside. Head down, still confused as can be, with my short leopard print strapless dress on, chunky heels, we all know what they thought I was in for. I don’t think I even have to say it. One of the girls was a lil fashionista who I still keep in touch with today. She had worked at a Fashion magazine and someone accused her of stealing. One lady didn’t pay her cab fare. Another was in for driving without a license, one for cussing out a police officer, and the one with no teeth, a crackhead. Throughout the day, many more women trickled in the holding cell, and at one time, there were so many of us, there was not even a place to sit. Much less lie down. The one lady I still think about and continue to pray for was a prostitute. She was so beautiful, and said that as soon as the judge let her go, she had to find a client, or she would be beaten when she got home. We continued to talk and I tried to tell her about other paths she could take. But she was adamant that she wasn’t smart enough for any of those things. I mean it from the bottom of my heart that I think about her every single day.

See, in this holding cell, we were all waiting to be arraigned, to be seen in front of the judge. At that time, he would let us go with a fine, give you probation, or send you to jail, to await trial, or drop all charges. Listening to all these women talk, and tell their stories was fascinating. Calling my mother from the payphone located inside the cell, not so much. No matter what I’ve put her through, she’s always been the person who was there. Never did she love me any less, nor did she pass judgment on me. She’s the most beautiful Christian I’ve ever known. And if I could be half the person she is, I’d be beyond blessed. The minute I called her, she prayed with me, and I immediately felt the peace of God surrounding me in the cell. No matter what I had done, even though I DID know better, He was there with me, and His Holy Spirit comforting me all the way. I felt like the Prodigal. Even sitting there in that cell. I even started to laugh a little. The prostitutes started to roll in like an army. And they were laughing the entire time. Some of them had been locked up 30 to 50 times. There isn’t much of a punishment for them for some reason. But once I talked to them, asked how they got where they are, I could write a book about each and every one. I could see sweet hearts and souls in some of them, and wanted to rescue them. God doesn’t love them any less than he loves the Pastor of your church. God is nothing like the self-righteous idiots who hold up a signs protesting gays. (I will never understand why people do that? What purpose does it serve?) But as far as all the secrets He knows about you that no one else does. He really knows. (Like, know knows.) And He loves you just the same. It’s that unending love, undying love that’ so very very hard to understand. I’m praying today to learn to understand it. I’m hoping it will help me to act the way Jesus wants me to. And not the way I want to. I’ve got a long way to go, but I’m trying.
I can’t wait to tell you the rest of the story, and how God has restored my life to its fullest. And I blessed to be able to do so. XOXO

Love Love, and more Love,

This Isn’t Vegas?!

I had posted this blog a bit ago, but someone told me to take it down, due to their embarrassment of me. To me, it's a story of God's grace, protection, and the millionth chance He has given me to get it together. He never gave up on me. And He won't give up on you either. No matter who else does, I know that I know.... He won't.

It’s been almost a year. And it still seems as real today, as it did then. I’m writing this to share my journey, and can’t wait til you hear the rest. :) Love you all! Muah. Grace truly does restore visions and dreams. True Story. ;)

I hear Vegas is the place to be on Memorial Day Weekend. Unfortunately, I don’t believe I will ever find out for myself just how fun it truly is on it’s summer kickoff weekend. My girlfriend Erin and I were sure on our way though. I had recently been ‘considering’ a move to Pennsylvania to work for my father’s company, and Erin was living in Columbus, OH. The plan was to meet up with Marisa for her birthday in Las Vegas. Everything was paid for, even our flight…. But I ended up paying for much more than I’d ever imagined…..

Marisa is one of a kind. Perfect skin, hair, legs, perfect everything. Not only is she perfect but she is extremely talented, and comes from an extremely affluent family. Carrying on a conversation with her can sometimes be trying, because it can quite often consist of trying to convince her whether she should buy the pink Gucci boots with rhinestones or without. In the end she usually ends up buying both pairs. However as spoiled as she may be, she has the heart of gold and is extremely loving. So for her own birthday she finagled two plane tickets across the country for myself and our other girlfriend Erin, along with VIP access to the biggest parties, and a suite at one of the best hotels in Vegas. Marisa was on a reality show on Bravo called ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’ and one of her many escapades around the country she caught the eye of a Vegas hotel owner, who set us up for the entire weekend. We were set, and I was so excited for the best Memorial Day Weekend ever.

Thursday nights in Mount Pleasant, PA were always my favorite nights of the week there. Mount Pleasant is a very “Norman Rockwell” type of town about 45 minutes south of Pittsburgh. I had only been here for about a month and had absolutely fallen in love with this town and the calm effect it had on me. My father had recently been remarried and getting to know my ‘new’ family was also refreshing.

There was a dive bar on the edge of this tiny picturesque town called “Fatboys” and Thursday night was karaoke night. My current place of residence was Nashville, TN. I had spent the past five years and living and playing in music city, with lots of friends in the music industry being around some of the town’s biggest stars seemed to be the norm. Being in this small town bar was a lil hard to get used to at first, but then I fell in love with it. I even started to date a small town rockstar but in the end it didn’t work out because he had a bigger ego than someone that had just released their Greatest Hits album.

Anyway, back to Mount Pleasant. The Thursday night before I was to go to Vegas was no exception. Erin was driving in from Columbus and wasn’t going to be able to pick me up until 3am. So there was no way I was going to miss my weekly karaoke party. My step-sister Melody and I hopped in the car and headed to Fatboys and it was as fun as ever. I felt like heaven there. I still to this day do not understand it. We left the karaoke fun at around 2am, and she dropped me off at my father’s house and I finished packing. Erin arrived at about 3am and we started what we thought was going to be the most amazing weekend of our 20nothings. 20 nothing is how old we tell people are if we are asked. :) At the time I was 27. Erin was 28.

Erin is also a one of a kind in the purest sense of the word. She is from Cincinnati, Ohio and has a two year old little red headed girl named Kixxy Love. We usually call her Kickers. Erin is one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen. As well as one of the sweetest. It seems that everyone who meets her, girl or guy, falls in love with her. It’s uncanny really. I’ve seen it happen time and time again, and I really don’t know how she does it. She has a very giving heart, but I think it tends to turn her into a sort of follower. I myself can fall into this category too. And on this occasion, I most definitely did.

Flying on a Buddy Pass is apparently usually pretty easy to do. Except when you are flying on Memorial Day Weekend. And especially when you are flying to Las Vegas. The people who have actually paid for their tickets, in this case $600 one way, obviously get first priority. Second are the family members of crew members, or the crew members themselves. Lastly, are people like Erin and I, who were given Buddy Passes by a crew member. While our flight from Pittsburgh to JFK in New York City was fine, once we got to New York, we knew we were in for a problem. We got off the plane and went to check in at the desk, and the women at the counter with their thick Bronx accents laughed right away. “Girl you picked the wrong time to fly on a buddy pass, it doesn’t look like you are going to get out of NYC anytime soon”. The wind was taken out of my sweet little sails immediately, and I wanted to fly straight back to Pittsburgh. This wasn’t the case for Erin. She was adamant about the fact that we would get to Las Vegas one way or another.

We had hopped on our flight from Pittsburgh to JFK at 7:00am and arrived in NYC around 10:00am. Keep in mind we still haven’t been to sleep yet. But we were hungry, and wanted to iron out our plan for the day. We ate at a delightful sports grill and while Erin had a Bloody Mary, I had a Screwdriver and the waitress talked us into a double for only $2.00 more. We shared breakfast nachos or something and Erin talked me into trying to get on the next flight to Vegas. So after two drinks, and another burst of energy we were on our way to check in for Vegas flight #2. At the flight desk there were about 8 other disgruntled passengers also traveling on Buddy passes except they had been there since the night before trying to get on a plane to Vegas. Which meant they were all ahead of us in line. Flight after flight was called, and Erin kept my hopes up saying we were definitely going to be on the last flight from JFK which left the airport at 9:00 and arrived in Vegas around midnight. Marisa, the birthday girl, was adamant that we would make it on that flight, and called the Captain who had given us the Buddy Passes, Al, who was going to make a special appearance and meet us at the airport, to make sure we made it on that plane.

With that said, I just assumed all was well, and figured the last few hours at the airport would be just fine. Erin and I tried to take a nap, made a little fort without suitcases and tried to fall asleep. Only to awake 15 minutes later with a strange guy in a towel wrapped around his head guy staring at us. Erin woke up and said, “hi!!!”. He then asked if she was ok, and asked where we were going. After that, neither of us could fall back asleep. So we decided to go to the bathroom, do our hair and makeup, and put on the outfits we wanted to arrive in Vegas in. We took all of our things into the large handicapped accessible bathroom at the end, and began rummaging through our suitcases oohing and aaahing at all the stuff we wanted to borrow from each other. We went over to the sink area and plugged our curling irons, chi irons, and barrel irons, and laid out our makeup as if it was a runway show at the airport. We had our own little fashion show and finally we were ready to go back out and await our flight to Sin City! I had decided on a peasant skirt with a purple ribbed wife beater. The skirt was a little long so I opted for my blank chunky summer platforms, after all, they were easy to walk in, and pretty comfortable. I felt so refreshed, and by this time it was almost dinnertime so we were going to grab a bite to eat, before hopping on our flight. With my suede pink rolling suitcase in one hand, and my large Ed Hardy leather purse in the other, walking down the very center of JFK began to feel like a balancing act. And as my pretty new pink peasant skirt was still a little too long, I could feel it get caught under my chunky black platform sandals, and there I went. JFK airport on the starting day of Memorial Day weekend was more than packed with people to say the least. And most of these people were people watching…. I felt the suitcase spin around and I tried to balance myself on it but since the wheels didn’t want to help me out, I fell pretty hard, and pretty fast. Ouch. I instantly heard “ooooooh”. From about what seemed like 50 people but was probably more. I looked up and Erin was dying. I began to laugh so hard too, but the instant purple bruise on my knee kept me from laughing too long without an ouch at the end of every giggle. Ok, so I just ate it in front of Lord knows how many people. And I composed myself and decided we needed another meal, and a drink to accompany it.

Erin had the bright idea that we go to the Duty Free store and just buy a bottle of liquor there, and mix our own drinks, and I concurred. We picked up a bottle of Grey Goose and just couldn’t get over the fact that it was only 15 bucks! It was a pretty quick choice and so we went to the counter to pay for it. The Hispanic man at the counter rolled his eyes in disgust when he asked for our itineraries and saw we were just going to Vegas. And continued his disgust as he explained that this was only for people that were traveling out of the country. Oopsies. I should have known this one!

Oh well, we thought we would try this really funky Asian place that seemed to be hoppin’ and enjoy our last couple of hours in NYC. We had made friends with the other disgruntled travelers traveling on Buddy Passes, and a sweet guy named Eric, joined us for dinner and a cocktail. When we sat down for dinner, I was the only one interested in eating, so I opted for some edamame and a bottle of sake. We had our dinner, and waited on Al the pilot to arrive. This restaurant ended up being pretty crummy, so we left after one cocktail, and went back to the first place that we had visited for breakfast. Erin and I headed back to the sports grill, and waited for Al. While we were waiting, we met a guy who owned an Italian restaurant in the city, and he bought us a shot of tequila, and each had another round of drinks. Pretty soon Al, showed up and he was more than delightful right away. What an all around wonderful person I thought. The three of us ate dinner, had another drink, and headed to terminal number 9, and got ready to board our plane. Finally! Al went up to the desk, even introduced us to the pilot who would be flying us to Vegas, and there we waited. All of the other disgruntled travelers that we had been with all throughout the day were there too, and they all got on the flight, and we were ready to go. At the last minute, we were told that we would not be able to make it on the flight. We missed it by one person. If there had been one less person on the flight, we could have gotten on. How could this happen? How did this happen?! I felt tears well up as all I wanted to do was go home. With a tingly feeling from the alcohol, and dreams of a nice bed to sleep in, all I wanted was to go back home to Pennsylvania. We were told we could be on the flight to Vegas first thing in the morning that we would be first in line, and Al said he would put us up in a hotel by the airport for the night. All I could think about was that nice fluffy bed and a mint on my pillow and agreed. I had no idea that I wouldn’t see a bed for days….

Al hailed a cab outside the airport and told the driver to take us to the JFK Holiday Inn which was about one mile away from the airport. As we pulled up to the airport, Al quickly got us our room, and he, Erin, and myself carried our things up to the 8th floor, and checked into our room. Right away Erin asked Al if he’d go down to the lobby area where she spotted a bar, and get us each a drink. She has always been one to not be afraid in the slightest to be up front with asking a man to do things for her. I could never, and would never be able to do this. I guess I’m a pushover. She seemed annoyed with him already, but I was just thankful that he had gotten us a room to sleep in for the night. I was ready for bed, but Erin convinced me that this was our ‘one night’ to do something fun for Memorial Day weekend, that we may quite possibly have to just go back to Pennsylvania in the morning. After a few more minutes of her begging, I gave in. We picked out our dresses for the night, as Al said his friend was going to meet us in the “Meatpacking District” in Manhattan, and that he would take care of everything for the night. I choose my blue leopard and black strapless dress, as it is one of my favorites and fits in pretty much anywhere. It had a bit of a bubble skirt, was quite short, and had a cute lil strapless butterfly neckline. I wore some super high strappy black heels, as I have the shortest legs possible and wanted to look a little taller for my night in the big city. About 10 minutes later Al came back to the room with a huge “Big Gulp” sized vodka and soda for me, and another drink for Erin, and we were ready to go.

We waited in the lobby as Al called for a car, and ole boy had gotten us a limo. The three of us hopped in the back, and chatted it up about nearly everything under the sun, and poured another drink as we got closer to our destination. When we reached the Meatpacking District we got in line for one bar, and the pretentious and might I add extremely ‘Mean Girls” in front of us, were making fun of a girl close to the front of the line’s ‘cankles’. I announced loudly, that I don’t want to go to a club whose patrons are so ugly and miserable that they have to make fun of people’s ankles. And with that, the two blondest and prettiest girls head on over to a smaller little club about three doors down. (that would be us). ;)

When we walked into the bar, we got a table, a bottle of grey goose, and then things for me start to get a little fuzzy. I remember meeting a girl from Spain who was in town for a tennis match, and we invited her to our table to have a drink. Lots of people were coming over to our table to enjoy a cocktail from our bottle, and mingling and having a great time. I have a fuzzy memory of a man and a woman who said that he was an ‘Adult Film star’ and they were there celebrating the release of his latest flick. Little Rachel from the hills of West Virginia had never met a real life "Adult “film star before. And I had so many questions... How does this happen, why would you do that to yourself, etc, etc.... I vaguely remember him telling me that the woman with him was his manager, and that is the last thing I remember until I stepped out of the club.

I can still feel my black high heel stepping down on the step out of the bar and being surrounded by cops, and angrily yelling that I was under arrest….. The following seconds, minutes, hours, and days changed my life forever. It will most definitely never be the same…..