Wednesday, September 1, 2010


From learning to ‘ Guard My Heart’ to learning tricks to still feel pretty and normal while 5 months pregnant, it has been a crazy few months getting back into the swing of things. It has been years since I have felt so at peace, and such pure happiness that I know is nothing but the unconditional love from God. My mommy, friends, and a few family members have also shown me what the meaning of that unconditional love is. I know that our family are supposed to be the ones that are there through thick and thin. And no matter what, they should be the ones who won’t leave you and always welcome you back with open arms. If you are blessed enough to have family in your life, ones that won’t judge you, and welcome you with open arms just like the Prodigal, you are one blessed cat. Let me tell ya. :)

So last night I was watching the movie Taken, with Liam Neeson, I know, I know it’s like 2 years old but I’m not always the first one to see a new movie. Obvi. So, I will admit it was a gripping, and amazing movie, but I kept thinking how much I wish he were my dad. If you haven’t seen the movie, look it up on IMDB, or Wikipedia because I don’t want be a spoiler and I can be terrible at explaining a premise of a movie without giving it away. Let’s just say this man went through hell, highwater, and the worst things you can imagine just to rescue his little girl. That is something that I always longed for, to have someone rescue me, protect me, or punish someone who had broken my heart or hurt me in some way.

I am at a place now, where sharing everything I have, and being transparent is extremely important to me, so I feel that I can share things I never really felt comfortable with before.  But never having my father around, for the first 18 years of my life (and I don’t even want to get into what kind of heartbreak he has brought into my life even after) left a longing for something that I couldn’t pinpoint, but just felt I couldn’t find. When I was stuck all the way in New York City, by now everyone knows where, with no idea of who to call. My sweet as apple pie mother, but can turn into Mama bear when protecting her lil cub… (that would be me) hates driving on the interstate in Columbus, Ohio much less driving through the streets of Manhattan and Queens, drove 10 hours just to come rescue me, with every penny she had to her name. The Lord has placed people around me my entire life, my mommy, my Aunt Susie, my Maw Maw, Gran, and many others, who He knew would take care of me. But instead of recognizing them for what they were, I kept searching. All the while giving my heart away to just about anyone who would let me. If I only knew then….

Of course the first time I felt the presence of the Lord so strongly, I was in my room, at the age of 13 praying and heard His voice saying, ‘You ARE My child, and I AM your Father.’. I will never forget that as long as I live. It was the first time I had ever felt, or heard that voice before. And unfortunately I can’t explain it or even come close to putting it into words.

Even so, after the Lord had spoken to me through scripture, Pastors, teachings, you name it, I still kept searching for some sort of physical, emotional, or whatever kind of love I could find from a male figure. And… I never found it. It’s now, at the age of 28 years old, expecting a lil miracle of my own, that I realize that love was there all along. He is continuing to heal all the hurts, make the scars disappear, and I’m living proof that all of the miracles we see on the outside, are just as real and just as powerful as the ones when our brokenhearts are mended.


hhhandmaiden said...

powerful powerful powerful! there is something so sweet and healing when the words of our heart fall over these keys. In conversations there is a healer, you are evidence that you've had many, with yourself and the holy spirit being the most important :)

Rach said...

I love you Courtnee. I'm so happy that you are in my life, you are truly an inspiration to me! :)