Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Chasing After Love

So It’s been over the weekend and through til Tuesday but I’m back!

I just got back from NYC where some friends and I went, and I’m finally all caught up on sleepies. Alright!

I’ll pick up where I left off, like I promised.  Except it’s a few days later. ;)

It seems like a lot of single moms can relate to what it feels like being looked at as being a big OOPS, instead of a big, ‘Wow this is amazing’.  I understand we all have our own convictions, and things that bother us, but it most definitely is not a good thing, when you end up pointing the finger or calling someone out for something you yourself just did two nights ago.  But that’s life folks, the people pointing are almost always the one who need pointed at.

I was never good at the love thing.  Especially when I started drinking a lot.   Not remembering half the things I said and did sure makes things even more complicated.  I had my first serious boyfriend when I was 20, I think that was the only time I suffered a real heartbreak.  When I see him now, I praise the good Lord I didn’t end up down that path. For more reasons than one, I’m just thankful that God helped me to dodge that scary bullet.   Anyhow, I dated a lot in my early twenties but that became a bit destructive when I reached the age of about 22.  I met someone who I let tear my self esteem down in more ways than I even knew could be torn down.   I was a weak, numb, and sad person.  I think all I wanted was someone to love me, or to pay attention to me.  I knew where I was supposed to look for that, but instead, I went with what was closest, and what seemed the most real to me at the time.

Heartbreak after heartbreak, (some were my choices, others weren’t) which leads me to where I was for the last year, Pittsburgh, PA.   Pittsburgh is a different kind of city.  I can’t say I have ever been anywhere like it. I’ve lived a lot of places and would consider myself a friendly person.  But for some reason here, I couldn’t make any friends. (If any Burgers are reading this, I’m not trying to offend you, but don’t know how else to say it without getting my story across.)  I didn’t do anything differently, but I guess I didn’t click with anyone, or they didn’t click with me.  I am here in this city, alone, living near my father for the first time in my life. And I’m finally seeing him for what he was.  It scared me to death.  My whole life I was warned about this man who was my dad, but I thought he had changed, or maybe I could somehow get him to love me.

When I was 7, the love of my life, my Paw Paw passed away.  He was the only male figure who I’d ever known or been close to.  I knew who my daddy was and always curious about what he was like and why he didn’t call, come see me, or ask about me.  I knew that my Paw Paw’s funeral I would get the chance to see my dad.  I can still remember every single thing like it was yesterday.  I combed my hair just right, and made sure my tights had no snags and my shoes were extra shiny. I was so sad about my Grandfather but thought if my dad thought I was pretty, or looked nice enough, he would love me and want to be in my life, or call me or maybe even write me a letter.

We were at the funeral home in Whitesville, and I waited in the corner behind a chair to get a look at him.  He was with his wife and they pretended to not look at me or my mom.  I heard my Maw Maw ask him if he would like to meet me now, and he just responded with, ‘No now’s not the time’. I thought maybe later he would want to see me, so I kept my eye on him the whole time.   I later went back behind that chair and heard him laughing and making jokes, and bragging about what a big shot he was in Chicago with friends he had went to high school with.   I was already crying so hard because my Grandfather that I loved so much was gone.  And now I thought my father didn’t want me, and never would.   Even at the age of 7, I could tell when someone really didn’t want me.   And that feeling stuck with me throughout my entire life.

Once I got to really see what he was like, I was devastated even further.  I met someone who I thought would make everything okay, got engaged with my dream Tiffany ring, and tried to pretend it was the answer. When that turned into a living hell I left…. And about 2 months later, I met Eden’s, ‘biological father’. When he and I met, I was probably the lowest I’d ever been.  I would cry myself to sleep every night, think of ways to end everything, and honestly it was just so dark.  I was not a sober person, not a strong person, and felt like God had totally abandoned me.  The bad memories of my past seemed to creep up on me every single night, and if I did fall asleep, it was there too.  The point is, it was the bottom. I can’t put into words how low I had sunk, I pray God let’s me someday, as I know I’m not the only one to have felt that way.  When I met him, he took my mind off of every situation, and even though the pain didn’t go away, there was someone there with me and I didn’t feel so alone. I couldn’t leave Pennsylvania yet (my job and classes were there) and feeling stuck doesn’t describe it. 3 months of the relationship had crept up and I found out I was pregnant.  He and I never even so much as kissed again after the day I found out. I was starting to feel hopeful again, and wasn’t the sad depressed zombie I’d been anymore.  He didn’t like that. I guess I wasn’t as easy to control when I began to get my strength back.  The relationship became beyond horrible and scary, to the point that I don’t even like to talk about the details.  I said I was leaving, and he let me know that as long as I didn’t want to be with him there in Pennsylvania, he didn’t want anything to do with us.

My mommy came and we packed up everything we could fit into both of our cars. I even left all of my furniture in the house I was renting.  I was so scared, disgusted, and hurt to have to ever go back there. When I look back now I see that God brought me through all of that, and he gave me little Eden and saved my life.  I can never look at life, pain, or circumstance the same way again.  When I wake up in the morning I not only feel renewed by His grace, strength, and joy, but I can’t wait to see that precious baby girl’s smile. I would go through a million more dark days just to see that.

Although I’m not where I’d like to be, God has brought me a million miles from the dark times in my life. That doesn’t mean there won’t be more, but it does mean that I’ve seen the bottom, and made it out alive.  I couldn’t be more blessed.  :)  I have amazing friends and family who have truly helped me to get through all of this.  I’m sorry I didn’t turn to you, and even more sorry that I didn’t turn to the Lord, earlier in my messes.  But hey guys, it’s never too late to turn it around. I promise. I went chasing after a love my whole life.  It was there the whole time, and I've found it again in my Heavenly Father, and a lil girl named Eden.

This was a weird blog entry, but again, I just go w/ my heart and share what I feel. Hope it can help somebody somewhere.

Love you all.



hhhandmaiden said...

you keep punching the devil in the right eye and I got the left! <3 U!

Larissa said...

::HUGS:: May your continued honesty heal your broken & tired heart- yet leave you broken enough to be completely malleable in His hands!!

Anonymous said...

I love you Rae!!

Anonymous said...

Oh, and the "anonymous" was me. lol xoxo Jamie Kemp