Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Feeling Silenced.

I’ve been quiet for awhile.  And it’s not because I don’t have anything to say.  I actually have more to say now than I ever have in my entire life.  But shame and opinions have tried to silence me.  It's just time I realized I'm not going to let them.

Being a completely sober person has helped me to remember things God placed into my spirit so long ago, and also to help me to see the new things He is showing me.  So much has changed, and I’m so thankful. This doesn’t however make life easier, or the mistakes I’ve made in the past easier to deal with. As of today I am nearing my 6 month of pregnancy.  A lot of people say their, ‘Congratulations’ with a huge smile on their face, with a real sense of excitement that I can see behind their eyes.  Some people say it begrudgingly, because they feel they have to.  Others say nothing at all, then there are the select few that are completely honest and say, ‘Um, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to say congratulations to you, or I’m sorry.’ I actually had a lady say that to me.  There have only been a few people who let me know they were disappointed in me, and to that all I can say, is I’m always sorry to have disappointed anyone.  But my Gran told me when I was around 9, ‘No matter what you do in life, you can’t make everyone happy’.  I’m glad I grew up knowing that. Otherwise I would have tried to win everyone’s approval.  ( That’s why I love Ephesians 6:6 so very much. Not with eyeservice as men pleasers, but as servants of God, doing the will of God from the heart.)

Ever since I found out I was pregnant with Eden, (If you aren’t sure who Eden is, that is the beautiful lil girl I am carrying around in my belly.)  I’ve realized that no matter what year it is, no matter how many people say they are non-judgemental, and no matter if I’m talking to a bar owner or a Pastor, when they find out that I’m not married and pregnant, that becomes what defines me.  It feels so amazing when I talk to someone who still sees me as a person, and not just an unwed mother to be. Meeting and having friends who have been through the same thing, and those who see past my mistakes are one of the main reasons I get through each day.  Thank you. :)  There are no other words I can say, but thanks.  I love you so much.

Now is the tough part.  All of the questions, whispers, and things people are afraid to ask.  Who is the baby daddy?  Are you still together?  How could you let this happen?  How are you going to take care of a child? I know I know, I don’t have to answer anything.  The only person I have to answer to is God.  Oh, and Eden of course.  I want her to know everything.  But instead of being secretive, or being embarrassed, I want to share.  I like to share every single mistake, hardship, and victory that I have, so that it may be able to help the next person.   My mistakes aren’t good for much else! As I’m watching my belly move from her lil kicks, the tears start to flow!!!  She’s so charming already! :)

Writing more tomorrow… PROMISE. I’m about to fall asleep as I’m typing… XOXO



Jamie Kemp-Chattanooga, TN said...

Rae, I can tell you from experience that being a Mom, whether single or not, is the most beautiful and wonderful gift a woman can have. I too had people who would judge me and I had to not let that bother me or as you put it "define" me. I am a great person and always have been, and so are you. This journey has made me a better person than before and I'm so thankful for my beautiful daughter and the things we experienced just her and I. Now I have married my best friend and someone she calls and considers to be her Dad. I have also given her a baby brother and life is great. God has continuously blessed me and shown me the path. Be true to yourself and live for you and Eden. It's a precious thing to have a baby and the best journey ever! I love you and am so proud of you! Jamie Kemp